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+4 votes
78 views

Well the title says it all. And I'm over it. 

He has been really insensitive lately and I'm not sure what is up. 

I've been having fertility issues for almost 2 years now and decided to really put in the effort to get pregnant(lifestyle change, extra vitamins, working out,etc).. Its caused an extreme self abhorrance because I feel less than a woman. But more of that later(or never). 

Strike one began 2 weeks ago, after a weekend of having an amazing time celebrating his birthday, I gently shook his shoulder asking him to wake up the morning after because we had to go somewhere or we would be late. I literally got cursed out and was told to leave him the f* alone. I went out by myself that day. 

Earlier this week, He asked me a question 4 times and I answered all 4 times but apparently the answer wasnt to his satisfaction so he asked a 5th time(he does that alot).. that's when I got an attitude and snapped on him. He responded with "if you dont have patience with me, how do you expect to have patience with our child. What are you, trying to get pregnant just to throw them in a wall when you get mad later?"

That hurt. Alot. To the point of where I'm in tears now just repeating it. 

He apologized after laughing in my face(another annoying habit) trying to explain that he thought I would take it as a joke. Right....

Last night I asked him if his siblings will be sending their portion of the cell bill soon(awful idea). He said he wasnt sure but would reach out. He paused and was then like why are you making a big deal out of the bill when you went shopping earlier. 

I told him that I went shopping with my own money and shouldn't have to front their portion of the bill. Plus I thought he would just cash app me later. He went on this long tirade of him supporting my shopping habit without him knowing and how he "feels that I'm lying" and I'm taking advantage of him. 

I can't stand being called a liar as I despise them. He knows this and chose to not believe me or just to piss me off. 

I make more than my husband and I never make that a known fact until last night. I went off. Not my proudest moment. And went to bed in tears. 

I want to runaway. Our marriage has had issues from porn addiction down to him just being lazy. 

My patience is getting thin. I got married with the premise of for better or worse. But I didn't expect to suffer through  it.  I'm 26 and we have been in love for 10 years. He is my first everything.  I do everything a "good wife " should. I'm losing my mind and feel like it's all my fault. I picked up the bad habits his parents instilled in him hoping he would grow up. 

I started seeing a counselor last week because I feel depressed. Comes to found out I am. And he knows it but still pushes me. 

I need advice. I'm not sure what to do. 



in Married Life by (1,940 points)

6 Answers

+4 votes

I don't generally like to tell people what decision to make, especially when it comes to marriage. What I will say is that it sounds like a combination of incompatibility and immaturity, to me. For being only 26 (not sure how long you've been married), this is an awful lot you've had to go through and your husband does not sound very supportive of you, at all. And that makes me sad for you. I was also in a very unhappy relationship where I fell severely depressed, so I can relate to how you are feeling. And porn addiction? Oh my. So sorry..

 My advice would be to really evaluate what is important for your happiness and what things you are really wanting for yourself, and from a partner. People do not change, so you should've never went into this marriage thinking you could make him change and grow up. You are not his mommy, nor should you play that role. It might actually be a blessing in disguise that you do not yet have children with this person. I think you need to think about your options and what kind of life you want to have before thinking about bringing a new life into this world. Personally, this guy does not sound like someone I'd want to be the father of my children. Having kids does not fix marriages or relationships, it only adds more obstacles. 

I would say either try to work on your marriage first, or leave now if you feel he is being emotionally abusive. People do not change. I wish you the best in whatever decision you come to.

by (166,000 points)
+2

That was perfect advice. 

Thank you for responding <3 

+1

You are so welcome :) 

I wish you the best, so sorry for what you are going through. You will get through this.

+1

I agree, that was great advice, Beautifulmind

+1

Thank you :)

+1

"Having kids does not fix marriages or relationships, it only adds more obstacles" ... I wish more people are aware of this as they rush to have them right after marriage, well said Beautifulmind

0

Thank you :)

+2 votes

Lets start with him and his disrespectful attitude of you. Surely you dont think for a second, that he will change with a child himself?   I truly hope you dont. Why do you want to have one with this man? 

   Anyone who tells his wife to leave him the f*** alone when he's trying to sleep and she needs to wake him, deserves to sleep alone and not have another partner beside him. 

And he doesn't seem to trust you with your spending habits. A shared cell phone plan?  No, put an end to it now before you become the sole payer of the plan. He puts his family first is how I see it. 

   I think deep inside, he pushes you because he knows your want for a child is greater than your self-esteem. He knows this, and this is why he won't stop his behavior. 

  I commend you for seeking help! Continue counseling and if that counselor asks you,  "What would you do if you were alone without him?" I hope you think hard and answer, "Everything".  Even having a baby. 



The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.       -Socrates

by (708,270 points)
+2 votes

You are 26. That's still pretty young. Work on your marriage before considering getting pregnant. Others have given good advice already. Nothing more or new that I can add.


by (283,660 points)
+2 votes

At the heart of every relationship is the quality of the communication. Period.  Tempers flare, misunderstandings increase, resentments increase, and forgiveness gets harder and harder to give or to earn.

If you REALLY want to get things "settled," then you have to sit down with him and lay it all out for him.  You have to tell him, "This might not seem as important to you as it is to me, but if you love me, I'm asking you to really listen, to really respond honestly, and to share your feelings and perspectives with me without raising your voice or without being sarcastic or dismissive.  If you love me... if you want to make our marriage work... if you want to stay with me and share a future together... we have to do this."

Often this cannot be done just out of the blue. Sometimes it has to be start with a commitment from both of you to give joint counseling a try.  Check with your HR department at work.  Many employers offer free counseling to their employees up to "x" number of sessions, and those appointments are confidential and are not known to your co-workers.

If he refuses to deal with you at this level, that tells you something.  Like a person who lives with an alcoholic, you have to find a way to make YOUR life one of balance.  That's why there is Al-Anon for the family members of the alcoholic, whether he/she is seeking treatment or not.  YOU need to get into counseling and lay it all out for your counselor.  

After you open the lines of honest communication with him... and he with you... you will have a foundation upon which to build.  Without that foundation, you won't be building anything, I'm afraid.  Not a relationship, and certainly, not a family.

Understand that there are "stressors" that affect every relationship and that pull at the seams of those relationships: economic issues, career issues, family planning issues, sex issues, and social issues, to name some of them.  Each one of those stressors can intensify from time to time, and when several of them fire up at the same time, it's tougher and tougher to deal with them.  If you're having stress from trying to get pregnant and who makes more money and who is paying bills and his siblings... you've got a lot on your plate to try to deal with.  

Best wishes in finding a pathway through the stress that brings you to a healthy situation in which you can move forward confidently.

by (587,170 points)
+1 vote

26 years old should be the happiest days of you life, girls get their dream jobs others go back to school and work hard on their career to have a lovely moment at the end of the day with a good company a funny roommate a caring husband a sweet boyfriend a loyal friend a joyful family or even a cat and a good book, not a lazy disrespectful judging person who's manipulating your feelings just because he knows you're dying to have a baby. I'm so sad you're going through this you're no less than the other girls having a great life, and NO you're NOT less than a woman, children don't define a woman. Live your life and don't let negative thoughts pull you down.

by (1,530 points)
0 votes

Why the heck are you trying so hard to have a baby with someone you don’t get along with?? Talk about ruining your life!! 

And don’t even get me started on the silliness of “feeling less of a woman” because you’re having problems conceiving. The ability - or inability- to shit out a baby is not a reflection of your value as a person. 

by (2,147,370 points)
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