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+2 votes
67 views

So I've been planning to pursue my former professor for a full academic year now. He (35M) is 15 years older than me (19F) which is just slightly above the limit and he is wonderful. He isn't married, has never mentioned a girlfriend/boyfriend/SO, doesn't have kids, and doesn't seem gay. He doesn't own a house yet but is going to buy one someday (I'm assuming settle down along with that). 

I've known him for a year and go to his office hours regularly to chat with him. He always makes time for me even though what I have to say is never really important. He is always in a good mood which puts me in a good mood, I smile so much around him that I think it's giving me wrinkles. He teases and flirts with me all the time, but he still keeps it professional so I know he's not a sleaze, which I wouldn't be into. However, this does make it kind of difficult to tell what he really thinks about me, but I'll let his actions speak for now. I'd like to say I'm pretty cute, cute enough for him.

All my life I've dealt with men who act like children, my dad, my ex who dropped out of college and left me for a girl who lives halfway across the country, so prof is like a breath of fresh air. He is a real man who has his priorities in check and can take care of himself and those he cares about. I'm beyond surprise he isn't married with kids by now.

Also, I want to clear something up. A lot of people like to jump to, "Well he's handsome and you look up to him. What you feel is admiration, not love." Which in my case just simply is not the whole truth. Of course I admire him and how well he teaches and how well he has done for himself, that doesn't mean I don't love him as well. I'm ready to move on from college life, I want a real career, I want a family. If we had met under any other circumstances I would have fallen for him the same. I've gotten to know him as a person and I love that person just as much. I don't want to date my prof, I want to date "____ __________" because he has everything I could want and need in a partner. 

So I get the idea that he likes me and enjoys spending his time with me, so I've planned to keep this up until I graduate. I'm going to become a nurse so that I may have a decent job to keep up with him right out of college. Also I'll be far away from academia. So, once I graduate we can start to hang out as friends and I'll be able to shoot my shot that way. We'll have known each other for four years at that point which is substantial. If he still can't see me as a partner I'll be able to keep him as a good friend.

So, by continuing to get close to him and lining up my starting success with his continuing success I might be able to pull this off.

What do you guys think?

in Dating by (430 points)

9 Answers

+5 votes

I think at 19 you should be thinking about your studies and leave the Prof. alone.

He seems like a nice man who has an open door policy and I'll bet you're not the only smiling school kid that hangs around his office.

Get your head out the clouds and into your books. By the time you graduate you won't even remember this man's name.


If you see me jogging, kill whatever is chasing me

by (2,622,110 points)
+3 votes

You are 19. A teenager. Like it or not, 35 year old community would not consider you a fully grown adult yet.

You talk about your education and career. Then you talk about h buying house to settle down with him.

I recommend you focus and follow your goals. Give priority to education and career.

The risk of pursuing a relationship with someone double your age isn't worth it. 

by (339,340 points)
+3 votes

I think you need to think about your future, he has already started his life. The right one will come along.

by (3,250 points)
+3 votes

I think “Godspeed!”  It sounds like you’re going about this the right way - taking your time and cultivating a relationship of friendship first, as well as waiting until you’re out of school to “make your move.”  


I wish you tons of good luck with your education and career.  And I get it - when I was 19 guys my age were obnoxious frat boys whose only interests were sports, beer and sex. Older guys actually have brains and use them. 

by (2,172,580 points)
+4 votes
it's a cute dream but sometimes things like this (romance) don't go the way we dream it. a lot can happen during that time. you might meet someone you really like and forget about this prof, he may meet someone else, he may move etc etc etc.

also, he might be seeing someone or have an SO, you don't know for sure. you only know what he tells you. 


by (519,310 points)
+2 votes

Check the faculty rules at your Uni.  If he is tenure track and prohibited do not push it.  If he is an Adjunct do not push it.  You would be endangering his livelihood, permantly.

Now if he is no longer your Prof, and there are no rules against it give it a go discretely.  If he turns you down treat it it as a learning experience.  If it moves forward remember this is is a discrete affair with no Happily ever after in the cards.  Either way it will be a learning experience and hopefully the sex is good.

I am not the puritan as some here are.  I also view the age difference in a different way as some do here.  My partner and I have an age differnece


“Better a true enemy than a false friend.”

by (2,959,250 points)
+3 votes

15 years is not a huge gap.  Big, but not huge.  My father was about 10 years older than my mother.  Of couse it was a different age, but it worked out.  She was 17 and he was 27 when they got married.  One of them lied about their age.  They met in a bar in rural Montana.  It was a different time.

I have another fringe relative, cousin of my wife, who is 20 years older than his wife.  But she was over twenty and divorced when they married.  It has worked for them.

Bottom line, it could work.  I think your proposal is valid.  Stay friends until you are no longer a student, then see what can be done.

Good luck.

by (1,398,770 points)
+2 votes

It looks as if you have everything all planned out, your entire love life and career, except you aren't a clue about how this man feels about you. So this seems one-sided. He flirts and smiles with you is all you really know. But he's your professor,  and hes being careful, and probably guesses aboutbyour feelings for him.

    You are setting up yourself for a rueful awakening if you are guessing about his feelings. If he hasnt said anything about dating you or going out with, its not a good sign. And I'm sure you'd be very disappointed and surprised if during your plan, sometime or another he finds someone to go out with and get serious about. 

    So instead of guessing that he likes you, I would ask him out for coffee and see how that goes. If it's a negative, there is your answer. 


The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.       -Socrates

by (783,040 points)
+2 votes

Just no...no, no, no...bad move. You are too young to be concerned about dating your teacher. Be young and focus on YOUR goals. Not goals that you feel line up with your fantasy life with your professor. 

by (189,010 points)
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