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+4 votes
60 views

i think i am terrified of being alone.

no one has ever liked me for 19 years besides my old bf of three years. we have broken up three times, two because of me and he says we aren't meant for each other. i understand why he left i'm not blaming him. i'm scared of being alone for the rest of my life and that i will not find anyone ever again. 

how can i get over this fear of being alone? i have very bad social anxiety and depression, so it's hard for me to get out there and talk to new people. i feel very uncomfortable with the thought of being with someone else as well, i honestly can't describe why i feel like that and i'm trying to get over it.

i love the idea of being in love, i messed with my old bf badly, i know i can be a good person, i need to help myself. how can i get over the fear of being alone forever and never finding anyone ever again? and how can i get over feeling uncomfortable of getting into a new relationship?

(also i know if you read my old asks they are about getting back with my bf, i'm trying to get over him as well because i don't think it will work out this time. the fear of being alone doesn't go with getting back with him, i love him and i want to be with him because i love everything about him as a partner, if i didn't feel that way with him then i would feel like shit for making him upset, i would only care about getting him back and not how he feels)

in Fears/Phobias by (1,030 points)

5 Answers

+2 votes

It is the fear of the unknown. 

Now take 3 deep breathes and realize you can and will move on from this.  the journey of discovering who you are never ends.  There are no certainties in life, only opportunities if you grab or make them. At 19 you have a world ahead of you.

Now if I remember right you are at University.  See if they have a Toastmasters group, it teaches you how to speak in public.  This is a life skill you need to learn now.  It will help you in career and romance, even introverts.  I know way back in my past I was one.  I joined a Toastmasters off post at Camp Lejune, it changed my life and my career.

You will meet a lot of someones.  Toastmasters will help you present yourself in the best light and weed out the losers.  Meetups are a great way to meet people, Toastmasters will help you with the social skills necessary

Anything else PM me, good luck


“Better a true enemy than a false friend.”

by (2,959,250 points)
+2 votes

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time.

I think you first need to learn to  trust yourself, to like yourself and to enjoy your own company.  Feeling terror at being single ("alone")  suggests that your self-esteem sucks and you don't believe you're anything without a man. This is a LIE you're telling yourself.  

Secondly, you need to stop using the word "alone" when you mean "single." If you have friends, siblings and/or parents who love you, you're NOT alone, even if you're not in a romantic relationship. 

You need to stop thinking that because you don't have something NOW, that means you'll never have it. That's not true. Someday you may find the perfect partner - but maybe you'll be 30 or 40 before that happens. Maybe it will NEVER happen since there are no guarantees in life about anything. You need to learn to enjoy your life no matter what happens - it's the only life you're ever going to have, so don't waste it wallowing in fear and low self-esteem. 

I agree with Archerchef that Toastmasters would be a good way to start facing your fears and overcoming them. Make friends. Learn to like yourself. Learn to be OK being single instead of desperately clinging on to a man who doesn't want you or jumping into another relationship out of panic.  Have you tried talking to a counselor or a clergy person? Maybe that could help you overcome your fears, too.

Good luck. 


by (2,172,580 points)
+3 votes

Being afraid of something is a choice. There are many techniques that can help. Distraction being one. Put some music on, get up and make a drink, go for a walk, count to ten backwards. You are interrupting your train of thought, which means you are no longer thinking about your fear. What you are actually doing is choosing not to be afraid.


Just Relax and have Fun with it.

by (3,849,591 points)
+3 votes

You asked a very good question, and it is something that I feel as well. You are not alone in your thinking, there are many people who feel similar to you. Do not feel ashamed for feeling the way that you feel. I think everyone who has responded has given you amazing answers, and your words along with the responses from everyone made me tear up. I think the fear of being "alone" is very real for many people, at some point in life. Some people can be surrounded by the best family members and dozens of friends who all love them, but that person can still feel alone or lonely. I can relate to that feeling. I think talking professionally to someone can help, along with making yourself realize how you can be just fine loving yourself and on your own. But I get it, it is a constant struggle. What I will say for you not to do, from my own personal experience, is get into random relationships with people if you recognize it is not the right fit for you. It will only make things worse. I have learned that it is better to be alone, than to be surrounded by the wrong company. Although I feel very lonely often, I would rather feel this way than be with the wrong person. How I look at it, is if someone does not match my efforts, bring what I am bringing to the table, and does not better me as a person...I don't need them because I already got myself, so what's the point if there is nothing of value to be added to me or my life? I am not simply going to add someone into the mix, just to say that I have someone. That is foolishness.

 What has helped me is that I have been trying to focus on myself and my goals for life, new careers, and new opportunities to meet new people. Music helps me escape, as does going out with family and friends. Laughter is the best medicine, and I laugh at everything. I am a true believer in the saying, "A day without laughter, is a day wasted." It truly is a waste. No matter how upset or sad I am, I always find a reason to laugh or smile...and there IS always a reason :) 

Another thing that has helped me is to adjust my way of thinking. Rather than focus on the negatives and everything that I feel is wrong in my life, I try to look at the positives and everything right. Things will eventually fall into place, it is a matter of having patience. 

by (189,010 points)
+1

If you haven't read this answer and thought to yourself, "You know what? THIS is great advice! I should follow it!", then read it again.  It is, and you should.

0

Thank you very much, Media :) I think this is a struggle that a lot of people face. 

+1 vote

You need to like yourself and being with yourself.  You are relying on someone else to make you happy.  You need to be happy by yourself.  Find out what you like to do.  The only way to do this is to try things and be open to new ideas.  Maybe you are happy arranging flowers, maybe it is jumping out of airplanes.  But you need to find out what you like to do when you are alone.  Then being alone will not be terrifying, but will be an opportunity to do what you want.

Then you might want to share yourself with someone but I would never recommend that.  Anything that can be done with a partner, can be done without one.

by (1,398,770 points)
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