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+4 votes
44 views

Hi everyone,


I'm really embarrassed to be posting about this at my age!


I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year. He is 9 years younger than me, I rarely feel this age gap most of the time apart from the relationship we have with our phones I guess. All his friends are on social media and seem to post stuff, stories etc. Anyway, I do have Instagram myself.


He's told me a bit about flings/past girlfriends before. I  discovered the 'following' tab on Instagram and saw that he liked a post from a girl he had a fling with a couple of years ago. On going on her page I saw that he likes her posts. Not every one. But enough to make me feel weird. She has liked a couple of his too. I just don't really know how much importance to place on this. Our relationship has been very important to me. He supported me when my dad passed and generally makes me feel loved. He recently got me a really thoughtful gift and gifts for my nieces. Not that it's about how many gifts one gets but he does seem to be invested. He invites me to spend time with his family. So I'm confused!


Is this setting the bar really low that I'm worrying about social media likes? I just don't get why he feels the need to show this girl attention. I must admit that I am such a jealous person. I really don't like it about myself. I in no way want to control him but I also want to feel secure about us. We talk about moving in together soon and marriage and I don't want to worry that there is a part of him that is yearning to be back with this girl. She is very beautiful and seems very smart and lovely! 

Any advice would be appreciated. 

Ps I'm aware that this sounds pretty juvenile. I just want to make sure that I will be sharing my life with the right person.


Thanks,

Grace

in Relationships by (950 points)

6 Answers

+2 votes

You said it yourself, you're jealous, this has nothing to do with likes or social media, it's you.

Now he sounds like a great guy, he not only tells you how he feels about you but he shows you too. You're going to lose him if you can't get your negative emotions under control. 

The likes mean nothing, seeking them out the way you did speaks volumes, stop before it eats you up so much you actually start punishing him, then he's gone.


If you see me jogging, kill whatever is chasing me

by (2,647,350 points)
+1

You call people jealous alot.

+2

Well, she is right. 

+1

Thanks for your comment. You are right. I hate that I am so jealous. The fact that I found out and went snooping speaks volumes and it's really unhealthy. Now I'm so tempted to keep looking at her page to see if he likes her posts! I'm so annoyed with myself for starting this! Worst of all now I'm comparing myself to her. He has no idea that I've done this and it's such a shame that I've started this. To top it all of she lives in Canada, about halfway around the world from us.  

0

He sounds like a keeper. I've made a post about being too old, it's tounge in cheek but I didn't have to contend with social media and perhaps don't get it as the younger folk do and may be found harsh, but it's given you pause for thought, I hope you can overcome this blip.

My husband has his first wife on facebook, I'm his 3rd, but it takes too much energy to be upset. He's my man, although some days I'm tempted to hand him back. 

0 votes

Id give him an ultimatum her or you. End of the day hes with u now not her so tell him to tell that bitch to keep her distance. If he fails to do this he aint the guy for u.

by (51,950 points)
+1

Should she dunk the other girl into custard? 

+1

53maleprison as long as she's wearing trainers, yes. 

+1

Of course! Stupid me... How did I forget that. LOL

0

Wtf are you guys on about? Trainers?

+2 votes

Well, that's the height of jealousy. It's just social media likes. That means nothing. He didn't even comment or write to her. 

Guess what... I just liked your question here, what does that mean for him now?

Nothing apart from those likes is anything to be concerned about. He sounds like a good person.

So get your paranoia under control. You might end something really good for no reason. 

Also, you must know that being in relationship doesn't mean you take away his freedom to communicate with other girls. As long as there is a reason to believe that he may be pursuing other girls for dating, stay calm. 

by (347,060 points)
0

Thank you. It is the very height of jealousy and I wish I didn't give in so much to it. I try to think that at least I'm aware of it but sometimes the monster seems so real.

I can see that ending this relationship or grilling him about social media likes seems pretty ridiculous. I couldn't have got through my grief without him and we've shared so much. My imagination is going overboard with what those likes may mean.

+1

Is he aware of this? I think if you spoke with him without sounding alarms that sometimes you get jealous that may not be a bad idea so that he doesn't get completely shocked when he finds out. I would understand some level of jealousy out of love is natural. Just not going over board and reacting on every little thing. 

0

No he is not aware. It would mean that I would have to admit to checking his social media activity, her page and sound like an absolute lunatic. 

+1

No... Bring up casually without ever mentioning this episode. But if you don't feel comfortable, skip it. 

0 votes

I get that social media can threaten relationships and make you feel threatened in your relationship. It seems that your boyfriend is showing you the attention, so I don't think you have anything to worry about. Now, if he was showing you zero attention and giving his attention to other women rather than you, then I would say you have something to worry about. He probably did not end things on bad terms with this "past fling," so they are just being friendly to one another. Now, if the attention moves from innocent "likes" to messages or hanging out in person, then that would be a cause for concern. I don't think you are abnormal for being cautious, social media can ruin relationships...but you also have to have trust in the person you are with. Without trust, there is nothing. Give him trust, he seems like he is a good guy and it seems like innocent "likes." Don't overthink and drive yourself crazy and cause problems in your relationship. Best wishes to you :) Love is hard to find, hold onto it. 

by (190,600 points)
+1

Thank you beautiful mind!

It's really hard not to give in to these feelings but I'm aware in my rational mind that this is not a good enough reason to doubt us. We have shared so much over the past year, I'm ashamed that this is even a thing. 

What I'm struggling with is understanding what intuition is versus my jealousy or unhealthy projections. I've built up this fear that she is way more amazing than me and that these likes are a way of him communicating to her that he still has feelings for her. 

It's a shame as we are very loving together and he is incredibly supportive. He spends most of his spare time with me. I feel like such a sneaky person as he has no idea I've found out about his 'likes'. Also, I think he hasn't really ended on bad terms with her and that speaks volumes about my relationship experience rather than his. 

I wish I had never done this as I am so tempted to continue to check her page to see if he has liked her posts.

+1

I think lots of people have that fear at one point. "Am I good enough?" is a big fear for a lot of people. Sometimes you have to get out of your own way.

+1 vote

You'd be surprised how many people lose their shit on social media over petty things. This is a time thing. How long does he spend sharing likes with others compared to how much time he invests in your relationship. If it was 99% vs 1% spent with you then there might be a problem. Likes are meant to be fun like voting on here. I will just say though when AO-R first went live a member used the downvote to attack another member. People have killed themselves following bullying on social media. Think about it.


Life is what you make it.

by (3,871,081 points)
+1 vote

Take this comment for what it cost you as I am pretty much a fossil.  I do facebook and my experience with likes is based on that.

It seems that liking something some one writes is a cheap way to acknowledge that you have seen the posting.  And you don't disagree.  For example, if I write that I am giving something away, I get a bunch of likes to my posting.  These people don't want what I am giving away, they just agree with the sentiment of giving things away.  In other words, it doesnt mean much.  Lots of people like things for lots of different reasons, but it seems to be the social media equivalent of saying " hear hear".

You should worry about something that will actually make a difference in your relationships.


by (1,411,350 points)
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