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+1 vote
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My bf and I have been together for about a year now.  A few months after we started dating he confessed to me that he was a crossdresser who also really enjoyed receiving anal sex ( via Dildo).  He's 28 and I'm 38.  He began experimenting when he was 18. He says her had never told anyone before I was the first.  It wasn't hard for me to really accept any of that. The first time her ever dressed "fem"  I didn't see a crossdresser, I could only see the man I love. I see past  all the physical, don't get me wrong my man is hot. We have a very active sex life. Almost everyday many times multiple times a day.  We have even got a strap on for me to wear. So when I find out that anytime I'm away for more than a few minutes ( like going to an appointment or taking a shower) he is putting on porn and masterbating ( using the dildos) it really hurts and offends me, like in not enough or i'm not good enough. it should be said though that I am just getting out of a really horrible marriage in which I was cheated on quite a bit so there's definitely some insecurities and trust issues there that he is aware of. I have spoken with my boyfriend about it and been open and honest and he said that it's something that he can give up not something that he has to do but seeing as how much he enjoys it I hate to feel that he's giving up something for me like he's making a sacrifice like that you shouldn't have to give up something he likes just to be with me. I've tried to be open about it with him tell him maybe if he comes to me and tells me and gives me an opportunity to participate in some way maybe even is just watch just to feel like he's including me and not trying to exclude me maybe that would help but unfortunately it hasn't. I'm not sure what I should do now.

in Relationships by (100 points)

2 Answers

0 votes

Wow. That was a lot to digest. I think the first red flag is the fact that you still have not healed or recovered from your last relationship (the marriage) and getting cheated on. That does stick with you for awhile, I know the feeling. When I read someone's story on here, I analyze and I try to place myself in the situation of the person telling the story, to gain a better perspective. 

As I place myself in your shoes, a few feelings come to mind. I feel sadness, impatience, and worry. People are only capable of understanding things, to a certain extent, when they have experienced something for themselves. I have never been in your exact situation. I was previously engaged to a guy who ended up cheating on me with prostitutes and then later admitting to me that he likes men. From my experience, although it is different than yours, I would tell myself not to go down this road...if I were walking in your shoes. I do not know the kind of person you are, what you want out of life, how your marriage was compared to your current relationship, what kind of people your ex husband and current boyfriend are, etc. This is simply MY take from your story...

If it will make a difference for you, I will list the reasons why I say this:

1) You have not emotionally, mentally, or physically healed from your last relationship. 

2) I do not believe this guy is the right fit for you, just based on the feelings you expressed, alone. 

3) It sounds like you may be rushing into a relationship and getting yourself involved in a situation that is going to have consequences and get you hurt in the end (emotionally and/or physically by way of STDs).

4) I did pick up that you are 10 years older than this guy. Not sure how you two met, but the fact that this man LIED to you for months until finally admitting he is a crossdresser who enjoys penis/anal is another RED flag. And I must ask, in the nicest way possible, WHY you would accept someone into your life who could lie to you about such a crucial thing? That is telling of you, as well as him. 

People who are willing to tolerate or accept such behaviors, lies, and actions...set themselves up to be doormats because you are showing the other person that you are not strong-minded enough to NOT tolerate disrespect. Lying is a form of disrespect.

Your ex husband also lied to you, it ended your marriage. So please tell me, what is the difference between the two? Both lies are MAJOR lies and disrespect for you. Why would you leave that marriage, and want to start off a new beginning by tolerating, essentially, the same thing, but in a different way? 

I do not believe this current relationship is going to end well for you, if I am being real with you. It is based on lies from the start, and it seems you continue to find more and more out (negatives) about this guy and his "hobbies"... and the fact that you don't seem to be enjoying this, tells me this is the WRONG relationship/situation for you. I get that there are some kinky people in the world, no judgment from me on that one...it is NOT my personal cup of tea, but hey...to each their own. 

What else are you going to find out about this experimental guy?...

I would also like to add that it is a problem and RED flag that he cannot control himself while you are away at an appointment....besides the obvious, that he is most likely either bi or gay, I think you are dealing with a very confused individual who has been revealing a lot of negatives to you and shown you exactly what to look forward to....

Not sure if you have kids, want kids, or what....that also would add another element to this to HIGHLY reconsider. 


by (191,540 points)
0 votes

Find yourself a good therapist to help you through this.  Masturbation is a normal and healthy expression of sexuality and most people partake in it. It in no way reflects on your value as a person if your partner is masturbating.

by (697,460 points)
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