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+2 votes
72 views

In my relationship, I am typically very open about things that don't sit well with me and I will express my feelings to my boyfriend if something bothers me. Especially, since I don't expect people to be mind readers...although some things are just common sense. I have talked to him and expressed to him that some things in our relationship are not really working for me and make me unhappy. The problem was solved temporarily after I originally said something, and now the problem has arose again.

My question is how many times should I express my feelings on the same subject, before giving up? And how should I go about solving the issue...as in, should I give an ultimatum, should I keep saying how I feel about it?

(And just so there's no confusion, the "problem" has nothing to do with cheating, abusive behavior, or anything of that nature.)

Thank you in advance. 

in Dating by (182,460 points)

6 Answers

+1 vote

This is a universal problem, I have heard this time and time again from woman in your position and men who claim his girl is a nag.

You say it once more, you say, I have told you about this and you're going it again, I told you it made me unhappy, if you do it again then it will be clear to me that you're deliberately making me unhappy. Full stop. 



No man has a  right to fix the boundary to the march of a Nation...

by (2,835,630 points)
+1 vote

I've found most people don't like it when you give feedback, which is what you're talking about. They usually make it about them, which doesn't help. Recent example. Someone asked me about my mental health, so I told them. Their response was "I've had that problem as well." To answer your question, looking back on when my Dad was alive he had to put up with my brother's aggression all his life. Sometimes there is no magic bullet and some people actually like being difficult. It can also be a power thing or a competition thing. Taking on-board what someone else has to say is not winning for some believe it or not. It also takes a big person to admit they're wrong. How many times? I would recommend having a lot of patience. Because I have always needed it.

I can also remember my Mother writing my Dad a list of things that needed to be done. Not a good move.


Life is what you make it.

by (3,782,611 points)
+2 votes

You should have to say something once.  

But lets be real here.  If it is something contrary to what the other person believes, or wants to believe, then you can talk until you are blue in the face, and it will still happen.  In this people are a good deal like dogs.  I.e.  My dog wants something.  I tell him no.  No in his mind, means not right now, maybe later.  So he will want to do the same thing at a later date.  I say no.  Again it means not now, maybe later.  The same applies to me asking the wife for sex.  She says no, I hear maybe later.

But if i tell the dog yes, it means yes forever.  The same for sex with the wife.  I think yes forever.  Of course it doesn't work like that.  But thats the way that I want it to work, so the dog and I keep trying.

The other issue is paying attention.  Is it important to the other person to think about and remember what you are discussing.  I have found over the years that there are a number of things that are not important to my wife, and no matter how many times that I tell her, she instantly does it wrong the next time.  I.e. She believes that my shirts should be on hangers unbuttoned.  She got this from her father.  I want the top button buttoned so that they hang better.  I might be wrong, but it doesn't seem like I am asking too much to just do what I want.  It is not like I am asking her to pose naked or something.

So, how many times do you have to repeat?.  Lots.  Lots and lots.  Ask yourself how important is it.  Good luck.

by (1,391,970 points)
0

You sure love to type well one 

0

Yeah, a person prob!em.  I tend to run off at the mouth.

Actually I hate to type, but have no control to be brief.  Lol.

+1 vote

It depends on how important this problem is.  Is this part of his nature, something you (and maybe he) both want to change?  Or is this something YOU want HIM to change, yet he doesn't see that change as being important enough to engage him in correcting the behavior?  Or is this something that he does without thinking, possibly because whatever this is has never been important to him in the past, and he just can't seem to ramp up his attention to it even though he knows it bothers you?

Lots of possibilities here, and they all depend on how you and he each perceive the behavior.  When you get right down to it, perhaps it's more a matter of "This may not be that important to YOU, but it's unbelievably important to ME.  If you really care for me, you'll make every effort to change this behavior.  Will you do this FOR ME?  Will you allow me to 'be a nag' about this with you simply because you love me and want to make me happy?"  That would pretty much lay it out there for him.  You would be making it a "deal breaker" issue, and if he won't allow it to be important for HIM, then the relationship may be on a quick spiral downwards.  On the other hand, if he WON'T see how it's important to you or MAKE it important to him, then the relationship may well spiral downwards anyway--it would just take longer.

If it really is NOT a big thing, but you just can't stand it any more, then maybe leaving notes around the house to remind him will help.  Tough call from this distance, not knowing more than we know.

Best wishes in this, BMind.  You deserve the very best, and I sincerely hope he believes that as well.

Media

by (692,790 points)
+2 votes

It depends on the nature, I would say. If it has to do with respecting your wishes or feelings about something, you should only need to say it once. If it comes up again, then your feelings or wishes were not taken seriously, or he is trying to get his way, get you to see things his way, or trying to.manage you slowly. 

   You need not repeat yourself. You can say something in the nature of,  "You know, we've spoken about this before, and I said I'm not open to ---'.  I would like it and appreciate it if you would respect my wishes, and if you feel you can't, then we're going to have a problem with that, and I am hoping that we don't."

   The ball is in his court then, and see how that plays out. If he continues to try and coerce you to think his way, then depending on how unhappy it makes you, you need to decide whether it is worth staying with him. 


The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.       -Socrates

by (886,510 points)
+1 vote

Culturally you two are from 2 different worlds.  In his world women do not count for much unless he is very enlightened.

PM me for more.  Am heading back to that world from where is origins are again in a week.


“Better a true enemy than a false friend.”

by (2,816,700 points)
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