Welcome to ANSWEROLOGY RELOADED, where you can ask questions and receive answers from other members of the community. ~Bluegenel













































+3 votes
56 views

Hi, everyone who used to know me. I haven't frequented message boards for more than a few years. But the first question I happened upon, when I came to this site, was someone's realization that she had no one she could trust to be honest with. And I have to say that resonated with me. I'm in the same position right now.

I am waiting my time until I can leave my husband. I didn't consider leaving him during the three years we dated, or during the first six years of our marriage. But now, it's all I can think about. It's what motivates me in the morning when I get up, and it's what gives me enough peace to be able to go to sleep at night: That in a reasonably short time, I will never have to see this person ever again. More than that, I will never have to lie to this person ever again--I consider that more debasing than the necessity of screwing him occasionally and pretending that I want to do it.

What caused this change from nothing but love to the proverbial burning bed? I have had severe, chronic health issues for the past several years. It's nothing terminal, but it's debilitating pain for which there are palliatives my doctors insist that I take, but no real cure for it. As a result, I used the tiny amount of energy I had to finish the last doctorate I was working on. I was so energy depleted, I didn't have time to think about or focus on anything other than getting a few words down on paper between bouts of intense physical suffering. So, I got my final degree and thought that I could finally start making my own money and having a life, right? Well, while I was finalizing my work for my degree, my husband was busy too--busy getting a job FOR me, with barely as much as a by your leave, at a local degree mill. I have a doctorate from an elite program at a university that easily ranks with the Ivies. Asking me to work at the place he selected was an insult to my background and training, but I never said anything at all about that, or let it show, ever--I had nothing but a good attitude and even thanked him for thinking ahead about the fact that I would want a job about I got through my last degree.

What happened was quite unexpected: Not only did I receive no training period, which is what I would have expected from what was supposed to be a corporation that invested resources in taking on new employees. I assumed that once hired, the corporation in question would want its employees to do well, so it wouldn't be necessary to train more people. But what I got was very rude treatment from this woman who never stopped sexually harassing me, no matter what I did to discourage this behavior: I would try to elicit information I needed about the operating systems. Instead of getting a direct answer, I was told I was so pretty and why did I want to work at a boring job when I could go to the mall instead? This is what this woman felt it was appropriate to say to someone she knew has multiple advanced degrees (which she does not have)--this is the treatment I got when I had a question about the computer system that I couldn't immediately figure out. Nevertheless, I weathered it through and became quite the whiz--it was a fairly easy thing to figure out once you knew how it worked.

But my ease in adjustment did not meet with pleasure from the woman who was the head of the department in which I was unfortunate enough to work. This bizarre person had, just before I was hired, broken up with her boyfriend and gained about fifty pounds in what looked like steroidal side effects. I was sympathetic about her obvious troubles, but I don't think I should have had to suffer for her problems. Her position did not give her the social license to treat a slim, attractive newcomer with multiple advanced degrees as her personal scapegoat, whom she could get away with harassing, so she thought, because she thought I wouldn't leave the pitiful, low paying job because my husband got the job for me (I didn't ask him to do this--he just did it, his creep of an associate called me on the phone out of the blue, asked me if I minded grading for a degree mill, in effect, and that concluded the interview--I was hired). Obviously, normal places of employment probably need more interaction with prospective employees, unless, of course, they are already planning on trashing the prospective employee in question--then the less good things the prospective employer knows about the employee the better. That way, the unfortunate prospective employee can be lied about and harassed in guilt-free, blissful ignorance on the part of the maniac who has an undeserved position--though I suppose degree mills can't be choosers in regard to their staff.

I was supposed to stay in this horrifically low status position because--guess why--my husband works in this area and everyone believed I couldn't possibly relocate away from my husband for work, although women are expected to follow men to their new jobs all the time. This wretched woman, my husband's associate, who "hired" me, and the two people who jumped on her bandwagon of harassment of me thought they could do and say anything to me, in public, and lie about what they said or did two minutes later and have the rest of the people who heard them go deaf and mute rather than get into trouble protecting someone who was clearly being abused (I never stopped hearing about my appearance and my degree status--it got to the point where one fellow brought two grapefruits to the beehive and held them up in front of his chest and asked everyone who he looked like). I asked this physically unhealthy and socially unfortunate woman a basic procedural question, and her response was, "I'd think someone who went to school as long as you did would have gotten it already." This was a new procedure, that had just been implemented that week, and I had been forced to miss the department meeting describing it because I was sick. It was her responsibility to catch me up, and she chose instead to create a really dull insult for me. I had my face described in front of two hundred students by another fat woman who was worried about going bald (I am not kidding! I wish I could post photos of these people I had to put up with for you! I think anyone would split their sides. I don't like to focus on the superficial, but I don't think I am, really, in this instance: I believe some physically ugly people reflect on their exterior surfaces what they truly are inside): I was in the middle of my part of the lecture for the day, and she asked me to turn my head so "everyone has a chance to see how pretty you are!" She made no comment about anyone else's appearances. The students started writing me off as "the beauty" and disregarding my grading feedback, because of the attitude the person in charge took in regard to my appearance. She apparently thought she wouldn't be called out about degrading the morale of the class, if she did so in a way that was superficially complimentary in a passive aggressive way. I told my husband I was having morale problems (which I never had, ever, not during the very first class I taught more than fifteen years ago) due to the way I was being harassed in front of the students. My husband acted like I was in the wrong for objecting to being demeaned and that I was ridiculous for pretending to have a serious job--for taking myself seriously at all. This is what my husband said: "It's not like the students are going to forget you have tits." My "tits" were always concealed by a designer blazer. The only reason my students would have had to think about my anatomy at all was due to the inappropriate comments I was assailed by from a woman twice my age (and about thrice my bulk. I'm beginning to think that better education in regard to nutrition in America would make some of its denizens far easier to live with).

This is why I cannot wait to leave my husband. What bothers me is that I know how that conversation is going to pass: He'll play innocent victim and claim he has no knowledge as to why I want to leave. Then he'll demonize me, just like his mother likes to do (the only other time we have had problems during a seven year marriage was when his mother stuck her nose into our relationship and wanted to be a third wheel--I kid you not. It was totally disgusting.). He'll say that I was looking for an excuse to leave him and I never loved him. And I'm supposed to be too nice to point out that at least two of his oldest, closest friends would literally sell their immortal souls for a single night with me: If I had wanted out before this, I was perfectly capable of getting a much better looking man, regardless of my physical problems. I had the same problems when I was dating--I chose my husband over a much better looking person, normatively speaking, that is, and I regret that very much. Looking back, I should have gone with the other guy--I don't think he would have had a problem with my functioning like a person, and I am going to have to leave my husband of seven years in order to have a job that pays a living wage or I will have to live with nagging and sulking because I had the audacity to get the sort of position I worked for when I was getting those degrees. I loved doing all the work I did for my degrees, but I earned them so I could have a life, not so I could hang them on my study wall.

May I mention that the first thing my husband did when we got home after I defended my dissertation for this degree was to put it in a frame and hang it on the wall? As if that was that--he could hang my life on the wall where it couldn't do anything active in the world and I could be a prisoner within the walls upon which my degrees all hang. No thanks. I'd rather hang. It would be more honest than pretending to be a Stepford. I don't think any woman who has had a life and meant something in the world--who knew she could help people be the best that they could be, and she could be the person others would think about when they remembered who helped them achieve everything they wanted--could be content with being relegated to the position of some man's pet, some creature that's not quite human but good enough to relieve his bodily urges upon, who is not expected to have the need to contribute to her world in a real way. I think all of us want real lives where we can have important things taken from us. What sort of important things can we lose by leaving the lasagna in the oven a few minutes too long? If I make a mistake at "work," it only means we order pizza. Who would settle for such a meaningless existence without any real consequence? 

So, yes or no, great oracle of AO: Should I feel obligated to stay in a marriage in which I have to deal with hissy fits and passive aggressive cold shoulders whenever I so much as ask my husband for advice for the cover letter for my resume (the quickest jobs are more corporate jobs, but I don't mind those so much as long as the working conditions are tolerable--I can deal with a somewhat bureaucratic lifestyle for a while, but I don't think I got three advanced degrees to tolerate unbelievable abuse). Should I stay with someone who gets sulky and turns mean and quiet the moment I mention a good job prospect?

I'd like to hear from everyone, but I would really appreciate it if some of the guys answered this question in particular: Would you consider it your moral obligation to stay with a romantic partner who was the happiest when you were in a physically crippled state, and who gets angry and unhappy when you are ready to function to at least ten percent of your capacity?


"I am a Shing.All Shing are liars.Am I then a Shing attempting to deceive you or a non-Shing lying?"

in All The Rest by (2,600 points)

5 Answers

+3 votes

I remember you Electra. I thought the screen name sounded familiar.

Different people have different levels of tolerance. Some will put up with a lot and a lot more than they should. The relationship also needs to be taken as a whole. In my opinion you have to look after number one and do what makes you happy. If you are unhappy in a relationship and there doesn't seem much chance of things changing long-term it should end. But not without first putting up a fight, in a lot of cases.

Good luck and welcome back.


Life is what you make it.

by (3,940,151 points)
+2

Thank you for your kind and intelligent answer, Bluegenel. I remember you as well. :)

I agree with your statement, for the most part. One of the things that bothers me the most is that I wish my marriage was as worth fighting for as I used to think it was.

+1

Yes, things often change over time. Like what you think is worth fighting for. You live and hopefully learn.

+1

You seem to have lost none of your wisdom, old acquaintance. :) You are right--our priorities not only change over time but what turns out to be essential to our identities does as well. My recent experience with my husband has convinced me that I have to take my own part to a great enough extent to refuse to tolerate undeserved abuse. I had to decide that I'm worth fighting for.

0 votes

Corporate is not the Ivy tower of Education.  there are few if any tenured positions even for Da Ivies.  I have too many friends Stateside that are living the associate lifestyle to avoid the corporate even if they can get a gig.

PHD's are not what they once were, seriously.  If your degree is in a non-stem you are screwed.  You may have enjoyed the experience of being an Institutional slave, eg Grad Student, however there are no jobs for soft degrees.  Even in Stem there are few jobs.  Those that get them are getting $1300 to $1700 per class per term with no guarantees. AKA you have a better shot at surviving as a Barrista.

I read your dissertation here, took a few passes.  I am wondering what the real source of your hostility is here.  Your husband may or may not be a Jerk, Controlling, Etc.  The new reality is you are in the corporate not the Collegiate Tower. Behaviors learned in Uni have no place in the real world.

BTW, my PHD is in Consumer Behavior Non-Econometrics.  I speak on the conference board and have journaled more articles in the last year then I wanted to.

I did not pursue academics because there were no jobs worth taking.  I have worked in corporate and have dealt with a number of Coddled Tower Types (let us leave it at that).  Always a head trip because they do not understand the rubber meets the road. 

PM me if you want.  I can help walk you through the transitions.  Also you SO may be controlling, do not know


“Better a true enemy than a false friend.”

by (2,987,010 points)
0

Your comment is interesting, Archerchef, because I was told the opposite by a member of my dissertation committee who recently won a national book award for her work. She said that the doctorate, the fellowship I held while earning it, and my current publication record is the same as what she had when she landed her first good job. At the moment, if my physical health weren't in a somewhat delicate state, I could be in another state holding a tenure-track job. I was offered two while I was laboring under the illusion that I could work at the degree mill at which my husband wanted to see me debase myself. But I have been assured that if I am willing to relocate, I can certainly have a job that pays a living wage and is appropriate to my degree.

I'm not sure if you're aware of the differences between fields in the humanities that are saturated and those that are not. I agree that a doctorate in some areas is about as useful as a satchel of scorpions, but my field is not only rare but necessary for LER requirements for universities that receive federal funding. I'm far more concerned about my health than about my ability to find a job commensurate with my degree.

The issues I had with my last corporate "job" had nothing to do with any matter of procedure or performance on my part. I was treated miserably by toxic people who believed they could experience the rare pleasure of browbeating someone they could never, ever compete with on any level (in the corporate race or the climb up the Ivory Tower, if you will). If I had applied for the job on my own and my association with my husband had been unknown to the people who behaved wretchedly, the outcome would have been far different because the culpable people would have believed they would have to answer to their superiors the same way they would if they were dealing with any other employee under their supervision. However, these two obese witches with no magical powers believed that because they were buddies with my husband, they could get away with harassing me, because what could I do if my husband told me to put up with their abuse? They assumed I simply *had* to obey my husband, even if I were told to put up with irrational commands. I wouldn't expect a dog to consent to being beaten.

The comments on record in regard to my actual job performance (as opposed to how I tolerated inappropriate behavior on the part of people who were entrusted with the responsibility of supervising others, of all things) are as follows: The students under my supervision had literally nothing but glowing comments about me at the end of my "classes." I was screamed at (literally, spittle hit my face) by the ugly mouth who apparently failed to get positive feedback from her students, because she spent all her time browbeating them instead of attempting to impart constructive information. I was, according to this woman, at fault for "making her look bad," because my students chose to write nice things about me. They were grateful that I went out of my way to help them. I didn't think I did anything unusual, and, most importantly, I had been given absolutely no perimeters as to how much help I should offer the students. Therefore, I did my best for them, short of actually writing their papers for them. Neither fat woman was able to fault my actual job performance, so they projected all this paranoid stuff onto me: I was "overworking" on purpose to make them look bad. Before I was assaulted with this accusation, I had been a little afraid I hadn't been doing enough because the work was so easy. So you see, none of this had anything to do with actual work. I realize this factoid may be difficult for those who would rather blame the attractive young woman who has refused to push out a fresh loaf, than the real cause of such a person's problem in one situation. I had no strife among any of the real teaching jobs I had, at real universities,  for over over a dozen years and nothing but positive reviews from the students. 

However, your apparently generous offer is touching, if you will allow my corniness. Frankly, if you are aware of any positions that may be open in any large corporations, which are looking for someone who is highly computer literate, has administrative experience and has a long work record that spans many job contexts (not to mention verbal skills that even the fat women at the degree mill complimented from between their painfully gritting teeth), please email me with contact information for the appropriate individuals or their hiring departments. I joined something of a job list serve, to see what my degree could get me. I didn't even do a cover letter for my CV--I merely applied online for several various positions (the one that paid the least offered 55K at the start), and uploaded my CV. Based on the information on my CV alone, and a few words I typed when I applied online for the jobs in question, my inbox was swarmed less than two hours later by ten people who wanted to "discuss my CV" right away and to determine if the salary they could give me would be suitable.

If I were to take the corporate jobs in the area where I currently live, getting away from my husband would be less of a shock--less of a change. I would quietly save my money and buy or rent something close to my place of employment. But if I stay in academia, I will have to move across the country to take the sort of job I need. I would be uprooting myself from my house, where I've lived for seven years now, not to mention my husband's nice supportive family, in order to get away from my husband. I've gone through enough trauma already. I deserve to make this next phase of my life as peaceful and productive as possible, which is why I've considered a corporate job.

From what I've read, in the job descriptions of the corporations I've looked into so far, it seems I'm not the only one who's concerned about decent working conditions. Five out of eight places that look like a fine bet for a job guarantee a "harassment free working environment for everyone, regardless of race, sex, gender, creed or nationality (etc)," and promise "on the job supervision for everyone, including supervisors." And one was a big, acclaimed company that got an honorable mention in Forbes, so the problem I've noticed seems pretty widespread: Corporate heads are getting sick of people who aren't qualified for their positions and are taking their own insecurity, born of their consciousness of their incompetence, out on the people they think they have power over and who can't fight back.

One of the reasons why my husband's good buddies were really motivated to harass me enough for me to quit was, as one of them screamed in my face in public, that I made everyone else look bad and increased performance expectations on the part of the higher ups. Apparently, the higher ups wanted the sort of performance I gave, instead of the illiterate replies these idiots gave the poor students. And these lazy pigs had quite a dilemma, because they couldn't fire me--one of the higher ups saw what my students said about me, and read some of my student feedback, and raved about me, so they had to be really careful about how they got rid of me. It would have been funny if those people weren't so sickening. I finally quit and listed bigotry and sexual harassment as my reasons for doing so. Since no company explicitly requires any employee to tolerate outright verbal abuse, public humiliation and sex based harassment, I don't think my problem with my husband's dream company will be the case anywhere else--especially not somewhere that's on the map, as it were.

According to Forbes, one of the places that really wants me is one of the best places to work in the country, according to its employees.  I talked to a lovely gentleman who very much wants to interview me in person, today, on the phone. I explained that I enjoy hard work and I take great pride in my job performance. I decided that honesty was the best policy and told him that I was concerned about a lack of higher management participation in the command structures of the individual departments, and that because of this some middle management personnel feel free to browbeat and abuse other people, when they think they can get away with it. This man agreed with me wholeheartedly and emphatically assured me that if I would take the job he said my so-called *Ivy Tower* degree makes me perfect for, he would keep his office door open to me, whatever my comments or suggestions may be. Granted, this great guy, who may be my next boss, probably listens to all his employees, regardless of rank, but I believed him when he promised me that I would not be harassed and abused for doing the best work that I could, regardless if some others had to make more of an effort because I *gasp* raised the standard, so to speak.  So far, I like the actual corporate job world--the part that involves work, not listening to the personal ego problems of an obese illiterate who can't get a date and has decided to blame attractive younger women for going bald and overeating. I did not shave her head or stuff food in her mouth. Force feeding had nothing to do with my job expectations, and I refused to be blamed for what I did not do (seriously, I wouldn't have if it had been part of the job--I have to find a photo of this woman somewhere. If you saw her, it would be too funny. You sort of have to see her to understand.). It would really be too depressing if we decided to condemn ourselves to thinking that the corporate world can be wholly represented by two steroidal, middle aged women who are angry that they can't get men to sleep with them. And guess what? Who can or does sleep with whom is not something I should have to be bothered within a professional environment, as the wonderful gentle person I spoke to at length on the phone was happy to tell me.  

So, I'm not exactly filled with anxiety about earning a living. I'm just really upset about the fact that I have to leave my husband. He's made it impossible for me to live with him. At first I thought maybe he wanted out of things, so I asked his mother if this was the case. I said I would rather know one way or the other. His mother said definitely not and all he could talk about was how to keep me, so I then asked his brother. His brother agreed with his mother, and unfortunately told him that I asked. He cooed with almost unbearable condescension that I'm all he wants in his life, blah blah blah. He isn't an idiot--although you may be correct that some doctorates in some fields of the humanities may indeed be worthless pieces of paper. My husband has one and look at him: He seems to think that he can declare he knows not what he did to hurt me, by giving some witches carte blanche to burn off their self-hate on me in a work situation.

0

Archerchef, I'm a little confused: What do you mean by you "read my dissertation, took a few passes"? My dissertation is available online, if you know my full legal, but I doubt that information is available.

Also--it's an odd thing when you muse about "the cause of my hostility," when I am clearly upset about being treated with hostility. When you are treated with hostility, do you greet such behavior with sighs of relief and exclaims of gratitude? When someone relieves himself on your head, do you believe in thanking that person for the hat?

I am not judging you at all on your personal philosophy. I only feel that if you believe this is how I should respond to adversity, it would be really very disappointing if you did not respond in this way yourself. :)

+1

You like to rant.. alot

0

Wow, Moorelolly, do you enjoy paying illiterate insults to people who threaten you for whatever reason? Because that seems to be what you like to do... "a lot." Most people would want to impress the overall board of readers with a more inventive contribution than yours.

The constructive thing to do if you don't like someone's posts, or just can't understand them, is to ignore them. It's less healthy (for you) to draw attention to yourself when you're already feeling self conscious in a really bad way. Instead of removing all doubt of what I would probably think of you, by posting as you did, you could have saved yourself the turmoil that may very well compose the economy of your drive. You may like to make yourself angry, or flatter yourself that you can anger or annoy an anonymous stranger you wouldn't get to talk to in real life. The latter would be the typical motivation most Internet trolls have for posting.

As far as ranting, however, isn't that one of the main appeals of a site like this? I mean, no one's posting here for academic credits. :D

The other major appeal of sites like Answerology has always been the opportunity to be honest, whereas in life that may not always be possible. :)


0

Erm excuse me? Do you know who i am on here? Show some respect newbie. 

0

I don't know who you are, on here or in real life, Moorejolly. But those who want respect, give respect.

And, better yet, those who succeed in getting respect are usually the people who honestly asked themselves why they deserve respect, before trying to get other people to fill the gaps in their egos that only they can fill. ;)

Oh, and I'm hardly a newbie. I'm a longtime member of the old Answerology message board.

+2 votes

Welcome back, Electra. You have always been a straight shooter here and unafraid to express your opinions.  So it's good to have your voice back.

Concerning the post here, it's pretty clear you're VERY unhappy in your current relationship. Since you're that unhappy, my advice is to take a course of action that will allow you to move on from unhappiness to a life you actually want.

My advice is to do what you feel you must, but don't wait around.  The longer you wait, the more frustrated you will become.

Best wishes as you move into the next chapter of your life.  Peace.

by (648,790 points)
0

You're quite the straight shooter yourself, Media4u2. I remember you, as well, and that I always looked for your articulate, honest comments. You and the other longtime Answerology members I like and respect make this site a much, much nicer place to visit. (((Hugs--if that's not undignified of me))) I've missed your voice. :)

I think your advice is potentially life saving. Drawing the situation out with indecision is a great way to sap energy I don't have to lose--and I think that would be the case in general, not just in my case. I've already reached out to some old friends and started working proactively for myself.

I realized I spent a very long time just putting up with my husband's direction without thinking about what I was doing, precisely because I thought I could never do that. I could never fall into such a trap. This would never happen to me. And that attitude was nearly fatal for me. I wish I were being dramatic.

Thank you for your astute and concise answer.

All my love,

Electra

+1

I never turn down a good hug! :-)

0

In that case, Media4u2, (((((Hugs))))) :)

May you have a bright and sunny day. :)

0

YAHOO!!!! ;-)

{{{{{{{{{TheELectra}}}}}}}}}}}

+2 votes

Hi Electra, 

   I thought I recognized your name here! Welcome back. 

   I'm tempted to answer your question with a "No", and leave it at that, but I'll add some additional comments. It sounds as though your husband is trying to make your own choices for you, and that's unfair. If he has always been this way with you, and you've always accepted it, then it might be hard for you to move on. However I think this time you have considered that he's gone too far in having you employed in a place far below your potential and capabilities. It also sounds like you're pretty much decided on what to do, so good for you. You will be better off, I strongly believe. He on the other hand, will not. 

   What's with that woman? She needs to move to Florida. 

   


The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.       -Socrates

by (838,170 points)
0

Amy1022, I think I remember you! Thank you for the great feedback.

I wish I had reacted from the perspective of your feedback immediately (I should have seen the horrific job as the insult that it was, instead of just assuming my husband would never hurt or insult me, so it must be a good opportunity, even though it was something I would have never, ever gotten involved in, on my own volition).

I had the exact sentiment with which you concluded the body of your comment the other night: I was watching him sleep, and I thought of him having to go on alone. I don't have to really be concerned about finding someone to heat up my bed for me, to put it mildly, but he's never going to get nearly so lucky again. I have to say, I felt bad for him.

However, I would never deny that I enjoyed imagining how badly people who still love him are going to feel for him after he loses me. ;) That's pretty much a taboo thought, right? Women aren't supposed to have aggressive affects that give them satisfaction instead of guilt, according to the norms of our culture. To me, that just means we have to change the norms.

^5 and thank you. :)

Best,

Electra

0

<(I should have seen the horrific job as the insult that it was, instead of just assuming my husband would never hurt or insult me,>

    Your husband may very well have tried to help you, I don't know. But the job he offered was just way below your potential and you were agreeable enough to accept it, maybe as a way to not hurt his feelings. Who knows? But you know him better than anyone. What do you think his reaction would have been if you had told him what you really felt?  

  <I don't have to really be concerned about finding someone to heat up my bed for me, to put it mildly, but he's never going to get nearly so lucky again>

   I felt the same about my own ex. I actually still feel sorry for him for the way things turned out for him-- but he made his own bed so to speak. His was a totally different story, though. 

   <Women aren't supposed to have aggressive affects that give them satisfaction instead of guilt,>

     I think women have been oppressed so much that we feel guilty when we should be congratulating ourselves when we are assertive.  In some cultures women aren't supposed to feel good. They are punished for thinking on their own, Im sure you know!

   You're welcome!

+1 vote

I used to think that I was a bit wordy, but you are the champion of long winded.  

As I have read it, you have two complaints.  You don't like your husband and you don't like your job.

I understand that you think he is controlling and stifling.  I think that this is within your power to change.  Move out, get a lawyer, and get a divorce.

In every job that I had, I could use your account.  Controlling idiots that are operating way above their level of incompetence.  Thats why corporations fail.  Anyway, it is also time to move on before future employer's ask you why you are still be there.  They might wonder about your competence.

So, I agree.  Jettison the husband and the job.  Get a new job.  I cannot recommend getting married.

Good luck.

by (1,440,110 points)
0

Thank you for the overall good advice, Welloone. I already jettisoned the bad job and I've been courted by a rather flattering number of corporate head hunters to whom I sent my resume. I'm just angry that I wasted time by allowing myself to get into such a predicament. I'm angry at myself for not being appropriately cynical. I like to pretend this is the best of all best possible worlds, and that all its inhabitants are everything you could ask for. I realize this is a fault on my part. I needed to believe my husband is a good person. You don't have to think about the motivations of a good person, or check up on him, if you will. That assumption was nearly a deadly mistake on my part.

Your comment about my being long winded, and your ensuing broken sentences and grammatical errors, remind me of a good student I had not long ago. She thought that by not fleshing out her sentences with the correct parts of speech, she was refraining from being "wordy." But what she was doing was making grammatical errors in order to make her sentences look shorter, and obscuring her overall meaning, which was a shame because she had good ideas.

As far as the length of a few of my posts, though, what is this site good for, if not a good vent? I felt better after writing down stuff I didn't feel free to tell other people. I think that means that this site helped me, and I think that's Answerology at its best: People can come here to post and feel better for posting.

+1

Lol.  Thanks, I needed that.  Sorry if I offended you.  I have been killing grammar for so long it seems normal to me.  I think it is too late for me.  But being brief, even if it is completely wrong, is liberating.  At least in my mind.  Lol.

Good luck to you. 

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[ online since 5th October 2015 ]

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