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0 votes
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I get that he should not pay for my kids, however he comes to dinner at my house several times a week. I pay for groceries. If my kids happen to join out he pushes the bill to me, not even offering to pay his share. I am a single mom. I work, yes but pay for an extra mouth to feed during the week and then paying for 4 people to go out to dinner is expensive. I a just back into dating and I am not sure what to do or how to handle?

in Dating by (50 points)

3 Answers

0 votes

My knee-jerk reaction is no, you shouldn't have to pay all of the time. And he should offer at least once to pay for all of you.

Give a little more detail, if you're able and willing. Are you close in age? Is he broke? Is he kind? Does he usually plan the dates? How long have you been going out?

by (2,860 points)
0

More details for you; 

We have been dating for about 2 months. My kids are older like 17 and 16. But they still like to hang out either me. We both have good jobs, so no he isn’t broke. I am guessing here but I would say he is making 6 figures. He is older by 15 years. He is nice, kind and always wants to be around me and the kids or my family. He is not really a planner but asks me to go out all the time. He does sweet things for me like buys ice cream and brings it over or helps my kids with homework. But I pay for dinner unless we are a lone and that is not always a given. And on another note, he hasn’t told his mom about me and I haven’t met any friends or family which I think is weird 

0

Hey Redgirl39,

Well, it sounds like he is doing some things right.

- He pays if the kids aren't along, and for things outside of dinner/meals, just not those, am I right in saying that?

- He enjoys your family and accepts your kids, even interacts with and mentally supports them, just not financially or emotionally. That may be a matter of principle for him.

- He makes a point of spending time with you, quality time, and consistently it sounds like?

So I guess here's what I'd say. It is a bit weird that two months in he's pushing bills off on you and not at least offering. It may be a test, which is dumb. Maybe let it go 2-3 more times, but after that push the bill his way next time and say, "your turn!" If he questions it that's kind of bullshit because he clearly has no issue doing this to you.

How much do you like this guy, and are you seeing other people? If you aren't exclusive, have the time, and actually have the interest I'd start seeing one other person maybe - just to see if you like it any better or nah. I can't tell how serious an issue this is for you, or why it bothers you, and maybe you don't know. If you're just starting to date again then take some time to figure out what you like, who is out there, who you connect with.

How would you say the rest of the relationship is?

0 votes

Let him know in a subtle way that he should be paying for his share.  For example, the next time you and the kids are out to dinner with him, at the end of the meal, figure out the amount that it cost for you and the kids, and take out that amount from your purse and hand it to him, saying, "Here's our share of today's bill.  Would you mind taking care of it with the waitress/waiter, please?  I have to go to the rest room."

If he doesn't take THAT hint, then you need to sit him down and have a heart to heart talk that starts with "What is going on with you and paying for food?  You don't pay, even for yourself, when we are all out to eat, and you don't pitch in for the cost of the meals that get prepared for you at my house, etc.?  I'm just wondering how I need to start looking at this, because ... I MUST have the wrong approach... because this is really confusing me."



by (654,670 points)
0 votes

When you are out together with your kids. Simply tell the waitress separate checks. Indicating of course you and yours together.

After everyone orders make no further mention of the issue.

Next time you two are together alone pass the check off to him. If he balks, then say fine we’ll split the bill.

I am sure he may think paying for 4 dinners to eat one is a bit excessive too.

It’s great he offers to help the kids with their homework. But he shouldn’t have to feel like a surrogate dad. If their bio dad is local perhaps dropping them off before you and he go out. I am suggesting you drop them off solo.

Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes often makes the situation so much clearer.


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ago by (648,050 points)
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