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+1 vote
37 views

So I'm in a little bit of a complicated situation.  I've been very good friends with this girl for over a year, and recently we started dating...or something.  It got very intimate very fast. 

There's some important background info first: prior to this, she had been in a relationship with some other guy for several years.  And the entire last year of their relationship, he showed little to no interest in her, and she ended up ending things with him.  A few months after this, we started "dating" (not really an accurate term for what this is, because we're a lot closer than the term dating implies).  I know how this sounds, but my very first concern was that she was rebounding, and we talked about it honestly within like the first week, and she told me she had had feelings for me for a long time. 

Some more important information: in a couple months, she is moving to another state for a job.  The guy she was with for years has also moved to this location, because they were planning on moving there together.  I am also trying to move there, because I've just recently graduated, and it's time for me to find a job, and I can do that anywhere, so I'd like to do it where we can be together.  She has talked about what our future would be like in this place, and it sounds like she really wants us to be serious if we both manage to get up there, we've even talked about *eventually* moving in together.  Point is: I think she wants us to have a future together if it's possible.  I want this more than anything I have ever wanted.

The number one concern I have is that she is going to end up back with him.  I am worried about this selfishly for me, because I really want a future with her.  I am also worried about this for her, because I am certain this guy does not care about her the way she wanted him to, based on his complete indifference to her for a year, and I know that if they end up back together, they're eventually just going to end up back where they were before they broke up, and it's going to destroy her.  The only time this guy has shown any kind of feeling for her in the past year was once she moved out.  I'm pretty sure these feelings are motivated more out of the fear of losing her than actual desire for her.  She met up with him once after she moved out, and was able to see through it and realize this.  

So why am I worried they're going to end up back together?  A few reasons.

1. They still text.  A lot.  I dont entirely know what they talk about but I know a lot of it has been him messaging her with regret for what's happened, and I'm pretty sure he's trying to fix things.  She also occasionally messages him about random shit because apparently they had been really good friends before they were together.  This is one of the reasons I havent been able to convince her that texting him is a bad idea: it's hard to convince someone to just drop contact with one of their closest friends.  But i know it needs to happen for her to be able to truly let go.  It messes with me too.  Every time I see her pick up her phone I get stressed out.  I don't know for sure what he's saying to her, but even worse: I don't know what she's saying to him.  I don't know where she stands with him.  How clearly she can see the situation.  The not knowing hurts.  But overall, I don't think I'm going to stop worrying about this until I know for sure that she's done with him.  

2. In a week or so, she is flying to where she's going to be moving in order to look for apartments.  She's going to be there for about 2 weeks.  Considering this guy is in the same location, I'm worried he's going to convince her to meet up with him, and somehow convince her his feelings are genuine.  And I quite honestly believe they are genuine *right now*, because I imagine losing her has had a sobering effect on him, but someone who truly cares about her wouldnt be able to treat her that way for an entire year.  I know this because I do care about her, and the only way I'd be able to do that to her, the only way she would be anything OTHER than the best part of my life, is if my feelings for her had faded.  I'm worried that she's not going to be able to see through it this time.

I know this sounds bad, but the feelings between us are very real.  The situation is messy, but that doesn't change how real they are.  I just don't know what to do here.  How do I help her let go?

This is eating at me.  It's all i think about sometimes.  I have no clue what to do.
in Relationships by (100 points)

5 Answers

+1 vote
Tell her how you feel.  Good communication is essential to the strength of any relationship.  Don't hide your feelings from her.  She can't read your mind. And if you share with her, she will be more likely to open up to you.  If you tell her YOUR fears, she may tell you hers.

The most important thing to communicate to her is that you want what is best for her.  That her happiness and well-being is the most important thing to you.  You want to be a part of that, you want to be the source of that, but if that's not meant to be, you still want all the best for her.

Then let it play out.  Back off when you should.  Get closer when she invites you.  But don't act out of jealousy or selfishness.  That never ends up well.
by (674,400 points)
0 votes

Media4u2 said it well.  Talk this through honestly with each other.  Don't make ultimatums, no him or me stuff.  Best way to help her let go is to be there for her and to be the one meeting her relationship needs. 

by (879,580 points)
0 votes

You should not do anything.  Admittedly, women do some pretty stupid things, but it is not your place to prevent her from doing what she wants.  She knows her history.  She either likes her ex better than you, or she does not.  

You should take a few minutes to tell her what she means to you.  You need to buy her something, small to large depending on your budget, meaningful.  Maybe just some flowers, like roses, and then quietly lay out your feelings and your fears.  

Then if she decides to crush your heart, at least you will know that she know what she is doing.


by (1,345,450 points)
0 votes

Have you mentioned anything about your fears to  her?  If so, what was her response? If not then tell her, and see what her reaction is or what she says.  Your fears are justifiable, and it well may be he is looking to get her  back. The only thing I question is, if he doesnt care for her, why would he want her back? 

   Tell her how you feel and if possible,  can you go with her on the pretense of looking for an apartment for your own? Or at least going to visit to k ow the city better. Her reaction to that will give you a clue as to how she feels about you and your relationship with her. 

   If you cant go, still talk to her about your fears,  and discuss with her that should she change her mind about you,  to  let you know and not keep you hanging. 

   Ive read Media's response by the way, and I do like what he says.


The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.       -Socrates

by (861,220 points)
0 votes

I feel for you and understand your concerns.  When I first began reading the first thing I thought as well was "rebound".  You really have to be careful and guard yourself . If she tolerated his crap for several years she was really committed or she wouldve left him a loooong time ago.  I feel even though she broke it off with him it doesnt mean she is completely over him.  Im bothered that you and her friendship went to the next level right after her breakup.  I feel she was trying to fill a void.  Not that she was trying to take advantage of you or take you for granted.  Thats not what Im saying.  But she is trying to move on because she knows its for the best but her heart says otherwise.  Also,if she was totally done with him, unless there is  a child with that other person, she wouldve blocked him by now. I beleive you do have reasons for concerns that she will be soon in another state where her ex is at.  If hes the slime you described, he just may play her and her still being vulnerable will fall right into that trap.  You sound so sincere and I really hope for the best for you. I do beleive you should express your thoughts and concerns to her. Then step back.  I dont know if youre a man of faith.  If you are put this in Gods hands.  You know the saying "if you set her free and doesnt return, then you never had her in the first place".  

I hope she sees through this other guy and remains true to you but if it turns out the other way, you will find someone really meant for you down the line. Trust in that.

God bless you.  I pray all will go well for you. :)

 

by (540 points)
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