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+2 votes

Hope you understand this. If you have any questions or want something cleared, let me know! Please tell me what you think of this: 

A person we will call A, had written as their beneficiary to their estate and funds the daughter of a close friend.  In other words, this person's friend's daughter would get all of the remaining funds once the person had passed away. Another person, we'll call B, had found out about the beneficiary (whether B asked about it, or was told by A is not clear). B told one family member this, who in turn told the rest of the family, when A had instructed B to keep it to themselves. B was concerned about the choice A made, and this is the reason B told the immediate family member about it.  The entire family was not pleased about the beneficiary, being a bit was known about this person being a person that would take advantage of A's naive nature, but never made any mention of it to A. 

    Now, A has requested that his beneficiary be changed to the person's own nephews and nieces, instead of the daughter of the close friend. 

   When a family member, C, found out about it, C told A that they were glad that they had made that change. When this happened, A asked how did C know. C then said, why everyone knew about it.  A then said, that was confidential between me and B. I didn't want anyone to know about that. 

   When B found out that C had told this to A, B asks C, "Was it you who told A about knowing who the beneficiary was"   C said yes, thinking everyone knew but was just too polite to ask about the choice A made. B is somewhat taken aback, but then C tells B that if A had not wanted anyone to know about it, then A should have kept it to themselves.  B then says they were concerned about the choice A made, and that is why they told the family. Incidentally, the family had even argued about it and B knew about and discussed it previously with C. 

   Are you confused?  I hope not. 




in Daily Life by (1,035,590 points)

6 Answers

+1 vote

Yes. I’m confused. Sorry - that’s not helpful, I know. 

by (2,434,850 points)

Awww, that's too bad, JPT, because you were one of the ones I thought would have good points on it!!  If you want I can clarify, ONLY if you want of course.

+2 votes

See this is why I am glad I have no money.

by (3,014,490 points)

What are your thoughts, Belle?


I think someone can't tell the  difference between tell and don't tell.

And why can't the person leave money yo whomever they like without a big sqabble about it


Good points.  That was something Person C said from the beginning. However, the whole family knew about the one who was the mother of the beneficiary, and how she took advantage of person A.  Now, that lady does not speak to Person A, and that was why they chose to change the beneficiary. 

+1 vote

I can see both sides. If you don't want people to know you should keep it to yourself. However, if it's confidential and some things are obviously confidential you don't tell everyone about it. I'm also guessing this happens a lot because some people even family or friends are quite happy to take advantage.

by (4,001,011 points)

True. It has both sides. The family were concerned, but no one was supposed to know except for A and B.  A was upset when C found out, or said they had known about it. 


Some people are blabber mouths. I think A has a right to be upset. Personally, I don't need to be told to keep my mouth shut.

+1 vote

Sort of confused.

But generally anybody not inheriting something thinks that it was a bad choice.  I have seen a lot of family fights over this.

Also, a person has the right to leave their money and stuff to anyone that they want.

But anyone on the gift list should keep their mouth shut about it, as well as the gifter. 

That is why there are wills read after the person dies.  

I am facing a similar problem.  It is starting to look like I will not spend all of the money before I die.  Should I leave it to relatives that I seldom see?  Who never come to visit me. No one has expressed an interest in anything that I do.  Currently I think some charities will do pretty well. 

But I am not telling anyone beforehand.

by (1,524,050 points)

That is a tough situation. If your wife isn't on the list, I would do as you do, and give it to whatever charity I felt was deserving and needed it. 

      All  good points as well on your part. I feel that the gifted should not have said anything if they were going to do what they wanted to. And if they changed their mind about it, that's what I would have done and done it without anyone knowing about the gifted. Incidentally, the family argued back and forth about this, especially someone else not even mentioned, but part of the family. Person C always said, it is their money,  and even if we didn't agree on it, it was their choice. 



My wife gets whatever if I die first.  Highly likely, unless we go in a crash of sometype.  But she doesn't have any relatives either.  Of course the wealthy widow might attract someone with relatives that need money.  Her choice.  Otherwise, there are going to be some angry family members.  Lol.

+1 vote

Wills are personal business of the person making out the will.  That person's desire to distribute his/her estate should be completely in their own sphere.  If the person making out the will decides to tell people who gets what before the will is executed, that's their choice.  However, once the word is out, it is practically impossible to keep the news from spreading.  That's why we still have Benjamin Franklin's quote, "Three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead."

Once the news is out, if a family member or close friend decides that one or more of the beneficiaries are undeserving, then the family member/friend might feel obligated to talk to the will-maker and to warn him/her of the beneficiary's "true nature."  Then, of course, it's all up to the will-maker to change the will

The bottom line is that if someone makes out a will, then everyone else needs to back off.  No one is "entitled" to that which is not intrinsically their own.  

When wills do not evenly distribute the estate among the heirs, there is always controversy.  That concerns the family.  Not others.

by (809,340 points)

Thank you. I have a will and agree to all you said about them, and knowing that, will not say to anyone what's in it. But this example above is not a will although I did make it sound like one---it is what will be left from a pension. Isn't it sad that families fight over these matters? It's up to the person making the decision to make his or her choice. However the person who lost being beneficiary--the family knows the mother well enough to know it wasn't a good choice, so they were concerned. Good to know no one made A change their mind--it was done entirely by A. 

0 votes

Not confused at all as it is currently playing out in my own extended family!

Total BS.

1. No consideration for A. No discretion by B or loyalty. B needs to get a consensus and runs it through the family hierarchy in order to justify their own misgivings about the choice of the inheritance.

2. When there are no ethical *brakes* in this family so rumor and innuendo run amok.

3. Of course A has the ultimate say to whom they leave their estate! That of course unless a close relative decides to have them declare incontinent. This is a high bar to clear in court. 

4. Of course A is gob smacked that their family has taken their business for personal discussion and show no consideration for their feelings.

I lived thru a similar situation 12 yrs ago! However I was confronted in a restaurant.

I immediately removed them from my inside circle and have since had no dealings with this band of dogs!

by (779,540 points)
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