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+2 votes

So I (m 31) and my partner (f 31) have been together for the last three years, and I can confidently say I really love her. We’re trying to build a long term future together, but we’ve hit a bump in the road that I think is a big deal and she believes is minor.

My partner and I are pretty open about our lives with each other. A year ago, we were reminiscing about past dates and she asked what age I lost my virginity at, and then my number of sexual partners. I answered honestly. Since she had asked me first, I asked the same questions of her (I wasn’t trying to judge or pry. It just seemed natural to ask). She told me I was her seventh partner (I didn’t think much of it and we moved on). Although, I did ask her about Brandon (a guy who she had worked with and had texted her recently). She said they had been friends and nothing more. 

A couple nights ago, we’re at a family gathering and my girl’s aunt (an alcoholic)is drunk as a skunk, and she reveals to the whole gathering that my girl has slept with 14 guys. My girl cursed her out and we left, but I could see from her blushing face that it was the truth. She later admitted that I was her 16th partner. I told her I understand there’s a double standard with men and women and I get why she lied (but it did bug me she wasn’t truthful). 

Then came the bomb. She confirmed Brandon and her had been hooking up shortly before we got together and that’s partly why he was texting her. In an attempt to start up an affair. This next part will sound unbelievable, but Brandon was one of the kids that bullied me in high school. The thought of my love having slept with that P.O.S truly bothers me. I asked her about him a year ago and she straight up lied to my face. It turns out she had been his mistress at one point. 

So she ended up blocking Brandon, but I still feel pissed. I saw him not too long ago at the gym, and he’s still a jerk. I know high school ended 13 years ago, so maybe I’m being immature about this. But I should have known why Brandon asked me about her. She acts like this has no significance. I don’t care her number is bigger than mine. However, it does make me wonder what else she has lied about. 

When we got together, she said she makes all men wait a couple months. Turns out that was a lie and I was the only guy she made wait. She said she can only make love in a special place, which is why we don’t argue in our bedroom. This was also a lie, she’s had sex in the back of pickup trucks and her boyfriend’s parents bed. She said she lied because she wanted to make a new truth with me, but she also added there’s certain sexual fantasies of mine that she declines (not because she’s nervous, like she told me and I said was fine) but because she actually became fatigued having done that stuff with other partners. 

Maybe I’m just caught up in my own feelings. Maybe I’m just insecure and need to get over this. But it’s been days now and I never thought she had lied to me ever (I know this sounds wildly naive). I’ve shared my most personal secrets with her before and she said I should totally trust her. Any advice is appreciated.

TLDR: Girlfriend lied about her previous sexual encounters, and it turns out she had been with been with my high school bully that she works with. How do I proceed? 

in Relationships by (470 points)

6 Answers

+2 votes
Best answer

OK, I have to ask YOU some questions /comments before I can really understand this. First of all, how does everyone else, ie; her aunt, and any other person) know about her sex life? Does she tell everyone about it or are they just making these things up?  Two, it seems like Brandon got together with her BEFORE she met you, and has not done so during the course of your relationship, from what it sounds like you're saying. To me it sounds as if she is trying to let him go but he refuses to. 

She has slept with many partners--whether its 14, 16, or 20. To me, what matters is how she is behaving with you NOW. Her lying about it makes me think she is ashamed of her past and has lied in order to keep you.  If she is exclusive with you--then maybe you can give her a chance to see how this works out. Brandon seems like he is still hung up on her--and won't stop bothering her, hoping that she gives in.  Talk to her about this--you must ask her to be honest and see how she feels about HIM. If she is unsure, ask her point blank if she harbors feelings for him-- if she does, you need to let her go. If not and if she swears she only wants you, then I would give her another chance. Time will tell whether or not she can be faithful to you. Its a chance you must take if you really want her. 

    Simply put, but that's how I feel. Good luck with it. 

by (1,156,440 points)
+1 vote

So, the gf is a lying bitch.  Lying about sexual numbers seems to be the norm. She doesn't want to appear to be the easy piece that she is, was, has been.  And once a person starts lying about the numbers, there is no end.  She has to lie about places since there is no way she could have screwed so few guys in so many places.  Same way for positions and acts.    You just need to push harder for what you want.  She either does it or lies about having ever done it.

I am in contact with a guy that I knew in high school.  He was a jerk and asshole then.  He is a jerk and asshole now.  Time doesn't seem to affect those qualities.

I don't know if the gf lies about other things, or just personal things.  Personally, I would not stick around to find out.  You already know that she will screw almost anyone and the fact that she repeatedly let your high school bully fuck her shows that she makes poor decisions and choices.  

by (1,569,050 points) 1 flag
+6 votes

The key word here is trust. Once that's gone it's over.

by (4,128,451 points)

I 100% agree! 

One of my favorite quotes is;

"Don't lie to people who trust you, and don't trust people who lie to you."

+3 votes

There is no particular way you “should” feel. Feelings are not right or wrong - they just are. Your feelings are legitimate no matter what they are or why you feel them. 

I think you need to decide whether your GF’s lies are bad enough to be a deal-breaker. You say you understand why she did it, so now you have to figure out if understanding her lie is the same as forgiving it and being OK with leaving it behind. 

I also think you need to separate your GF’s past relationship with that bully, from the rest of the issue. At the time she dated him, she did not know you and she was unaware this guy had bullied you (or anyone else.) While I totally get why you are still upset at the bully, I think it’s a completely different subject from your GF’s past. But if you can’t move away from it, it might be time to find a new GF. 

I definitely do not think you’re being a jerk over this. You have real concerns and that doesn’t make you wrong. 

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you good luck. 

by (2,478,850 points)

Thank you for the advice and the kind words. And you’re right, I really have to try and separate Brandon from all of this.

Thanks again!

+2 votes

Your gf is a congenital liar. She lies where the truth will fit. My guess is she lies to make herself look good. So what else does she lie about???  Maybe continuing to sleep with Brandon on the sneak?

Most likely the list is endless!

If you are able to look the other way  roll on!

I personally don’t trust liars. But you do you.

by (820,130 points)
+3 votes

If this is all a big deal to you, then you're wasting your time. The past can't be changed, and if it bothers you that much, marrying her would be a big mistake. You're still young and with a lot of potential partners. Find one that you're truly happy with. Remember, you're planning on being with your partner for a LONG time, and why short-change yourself and marry someone you don't trust? 

P.S. I have never understood why the number of previous partners matters so much, or why it's even an issue. If you love someone, you love them for who they are NOW, not who they were before. 

by (10,530 points)

Agree with you in your last paragraph. Despite everything, people do change, sometimes for good and other times for worse. 

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