Was your s/o there for you when you lost a loved one?

Question

What am I feeling here? My s/o and I have been together for over a decade and he obviously knows my family especially how close I am with my dad. My dad passed away last year and I am still grieving although I keep it together well so far. He recently heard of a coworker friend who just passed away and he is being everyone’s Counsler, comforting them etc. nice gesture. But never comforted me when I lost my dad. Idk why but I am somehow angry about this, I am not sure what I am feeling. Instead he turned cold against me, brought up separating but says no he loves me. He really kicked me when I was down. I have resentment towards him and now this new behavior. When i consider separating like how he initially mentioned, he cries and says no don’t do it but do whatever makes me happy. Like wtf.

Answer 1

No, because by the time I lost a family member I had parted from my s/o. 

Answer 2

Yes! 100 percent!

Answer 3

In my last relationship when I lost a grandparent I was very close to, my s/o (not married, just boyfriend) was distant as he considered it a family matter and was saying he was giving me space to grieve with my family. Initially I was fine with it because I have a big family and it rocked us pretty significantly so I was wrapped up in a lot of that. But as time passed, I noticed the bf wasn't really supporting me at all. It was as if my grief and emotional journey overall was my own to navigate. In fact any sort of emotional support in the relationship only went one way; I listened and supported him, but I was expected to be emotionally self sufficient. When I tried to talk to him about it and discuss how I wanted support, he said I was asking for too much and that's not the kind of partner he wanted to be. So, I left. Shortly after, his mom passed away, and I showed up for him and showed him how important that kind of emotional support is. But he couldn't meet my needs.

I guess the one thing I would ask you is, have you been clear about the kind of support you are looking for? Does your s/o know that you are hurting over this specifically and building up resentment? If it's not discussed openly, it will likely only get worse from here. I am so sorry for your loss, the grief over losing a parent certainly doesn't heal in a year. Maybe since you said you've been keeping it together, this could seem to him that you don't look like you need the support.

Comments

I am sorry they weren’t there for you. Its just an important need that people especially if in a relationship should be prepared to support and not leave you hanging. The emotional pain runs deep and potentially can cause someone to hurt themselves if they are not taken seriously. Reading your story I sympathize and I am upset for you that you had someone who didn’t want to be there for you. I am sorry for your loss too :(  

Regarding my situation, yes I have been very clear even at times when I am struggling and feel like I shouldn’t even have to explain myself and beg him to be my shoulder to cry on. I know how I feel about him being this way and I would leave. I can’t leave at the moment because its just too much for me to initiate at this time. I am navigating emotionally on my own until I get myself stable enough. I am picking up the pieces slowly and am getting better.  

But our relationship have been very difficult lately. I will have another post to make shortly with more details. Basically, not only am I dealing with grief with a partner not being there for me but added on top of kicking me while I am down he’s diverts the topic back to himself saying he feels like hes not good enough for me. If I am in the middle of crying because a memory reminded me of my father, he will begin to yell at me for something random thing and then say hes a piece of crap and that hes not good enough for me. This behavior confuses me. I even had to stop my crying to comfort him at times and reassure him hes good enough. I am just really frustrated and don’t understand why he’s like this. I frankly don’t want to be with him anymore (I didnt tell him this yet. I am trying to pack up slowly and plan my exit) but I can’t deal with someone tearing me down. I already tear myself down enough, I certainly don’t need another person doing it for me. 

Anyways, thank you for taking the time to comment, really appreciate feeling heard at times! 

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Oh gosh, I am sorry about all the problems you are facing in your relationship. It sounds as if you have a partner who is currently incapable of fully showing up for you because he is fairly consumed with his own issues. It sounds to me like he is not able to separate out how to show up for you while also honoring his own needs or being able to ask for what he might need from you - it's as if he is looking at the relationship as though when one partner gives they are losing out, and the receiving partner is gaining more, so to speak.... I'm not sure I'm articulating this well. I would recommend therapy, but it sounds as though you are already ready to make your exit. That's completely understandable because you definitely don't need someone else tearing you down and neglecting to meet your needs, and if that's what this relationship is boiling down to, then you may just be better off going it alone and/or finding someone else to be with. Wishing you luck with however this all turns out.

Answer 4

I think where death of a family member is concerned you've got to give people a lot of slack as it is one of the hardest things to deal with in life. It's also very personal, what that person meant to you. But yeah, people will let you down. Unfortunately. And some don't get their priorities right. You have to decide how you are going to move on.

Answer 5

My wife and I have been involved with one another, unfortunately quite a few family members passed  away. The toughest one to stomach is my mother's passing..... I needed her the most. I'm still grieving over her passing 3 years later. I believe it to be more true over time that you get stronger rather than it being easier. 

Times like these will show you if they truly care or not. If there’s any doubt, their actions during your time of need will reveal all you need to know. I couldn't imagine not being present for her during a time of distress and need.