married drama

Question

I've never spoken a word about what I am about to post to anyone.

 I don't really have someone who I feel that I would share this with.   I did a year of therapy for another issue for quite some time and just next shared so here goes.

I had some issues with myself that I had dealt with for some time due to me being very large.

  A couple years prior I had weight loss surgery and even though  I was half my size it still haunted me.

   Due to combination of meds and and weight honestly had issues getting it up.

    I was embarrassed and never mentioned to my wife.   I was ashamed to let her see me in any state of undress.   We hadn't had sex for year / years

    I had this come to jesus moment and realized I needed help for not only myself but due to this my wife infant had been neglected intimacy wise for quite some time.

    She denied she felt this way but u just knew in my soul it was not the case.

    I started counseling and worked on my main issue and felt with that I also learn how to be better husband to my wife the one she deserved.

   I knew this whole mess didn't start over night and knew it would take my wife time to see my changes and start having the true feelings for me again.

  A month or two in we took a much needed vacation to get away and I looked at it as fresh start.

   We had a great time and I thought it was a great reboot.  A couple days in my wife did some major drinking and she was drunk.

    Relaxing in our room she showed me some videos and stuff on her phone from Facebook and IG.  Well while watching them  I noticed some pop ups notifications for KIK.  At the time I didn't really know what KIK was.

    I didn't say anything but at one point she knocked out and here I am with her phone unlocked.

    I go look at these KIK messages and she she had several conversations with guys and many were sexual.  She even sent a guy pics of our trip going on vacation and said she wished he was with her.

  I also saw text messages from a guy and it appeared she had been seeing somebody.

   Reading through some other messages a few of her friends knew about it and she had even been looking at apartments and housing to rent months before this all unknown to me.

Also she had accounts to a couple marriage hook up cheating time of websites

    This took my breath away and hurt so bad! I cried , almost pulled , got mad but then I felt as though I deserved this due to my neglecting her needs

  I used this as motivation to be the man my wife deserved and changed my entire life I felt.   Despite all this info I discovered I loved my wife so much and would Not give up.

    Over the past year I changed for the better and really felt my wife has been seeing me in a different light and loved me.

   A few weeks back we went out on a date night the middle of the week and we had A great time.

   She had showed me a photo on her apple watch that a friend sent. A little while later I noticed a photo was showing and it was a guy that I didn't recognize.

   I made a comment about something on her apple watch and she quickly closed it out she pulled sleeve down over watch.

    I acted as though nothing happened and continued but due to same i went to detective mode.

    She always kept her phone locked but just so happed I saw her type in pin number and later on when phone left unattended I spied and made a discovery.

   She has a highly sexual text message thing going back and forth with some dude Out of state.

  As far As I can tell this has been going on for most of the past year. From what I can tell they have never met but they exchange pics and sexual things.

   I copied this guy's number and have sent any mouse text To stop texting wife and also voice mail.  He doesn't answer phone but I think I put a stop to it on his end.

  Now my question is what do I do from here?

If you have made it This far thank you for reading. It feels good to finally write out and share

Answer 1

It's over mate. Trust has gone on both sides. I know it's tough and some things are worth fighting for but in the real world you have two options. Leave and find someone else or be prepared for it to happen again. Good luck.

Answer 2

Ask her when she wants to leave you.  Decide on who will get what from the possessions you have.  Try to do this amicably.  

Tell her if she actually wants to save the marriage--but it is apparent she doesn't--that you are willing to go to marriage counseling with her.  

Set some ground rules, though.  For a pre-determined period, say, the next three months or so, you have an open door policy regarding each other's phones and emails.  You are allowed to look at her texts and emails, etc., and she is likewise entitled to look at yours.  Don't hide from her that you shared this problem--and the answers you've received--with us on Answerology Reloaded.  

The key to making it back to a faithful relationship is transparency and truth.  No secrets.  None on either side.

If you are BOTH willing to do these things, then you have a shot at fixing a seriously damaged relationship.  If you both are NOT willing to do this... then see my first comment.

Comments

Yep, Media hit the nail on the head.  

Answer 3

What you do now, is see your wife for whom she is, and wisely plan on moving on with your life. I know it's easier said than done, but when you think about what she has done for the past year, you should have no problem leaving this bad experience behind you. Clean off all the cobwebs, and start your life anew. Tell your wife you can no longer share your life with someone who has not been true to you, and that you are uncomfortable living with her. See what she says and if she tries to get you back--don't give in. While your neglecting her may be somewhat at fault--she could have come out and suggested something or asked you for what you both could do. 

   Some advice to help you with this new beginning, is seeing a counselor who can definitely help you get in touch with your feelings, heal, and deal with the experience far better than we can here. All counselors are not the same, so find one who is good for you. I cannot tell you how life changing this can be. It will mean all the difference and you will be glad you have this off your chest--just talking to a stranger without no judgement at all towards you, will make you breathe a sigh of relief and help you to move on. Good luck with it all. 

Answer 4

It does not seem as though this marriage is going to last, or if it does, a truly significant change will need to be made from both of you, transparently, together.

I commend you for acknowledging your part in not showing up in the best way for your marriage, and trying to make changes. From what you've written it sounds like you've done this change on your own and you have not openly mentioned it to your wife as to what you acknowledge, what you're changing, and why. It's well intentioned, absolutely, and I'm sure she does appreciate the things you are doing. But without asking her how she's been feeling, asking her and knowing what she wants, you could be doing the wrong things. And the fact that you want to return to physical and sexual intimacy and loyalty, but you haven't expressed this need/desire to her, she also doesn't know what you want and you're not giving her the opportunity to step up and provide that for you as well.

Furthermore, you snooping into her phone, regardless of what you found, is a severe breach of trust and privacy. It doesn't excuse what she has done, which is absolutely harmful and damaging, but what you found also does not excuse the wrong you did. Both of these wrongs need to be discussed openly. As others have said, pursuit of keeping this marriage and resolving these issues will likely need the support of a marriage counselor, to redefine for you both what you want this union to be, how to restore trust, how to forgive, and how to turn towards each other again rather than turning away. But you have to know for yourself what your boundaries are, and what you are willing to do (and not do) to keep it. You have absolutely every right to walk away. And you should know she does too, and her boundaries could be very different than yours, so you should be prepared for that.

Best of luck to you, so sorry you are struggling with this.

Answer 5

I think this happens a lot with men and women. Social media is a tempting tool. Many that stray emotionally or otherwise tend to want to keep it secret. I think you really need to talk things out. Once caught people act differently. Once the heat settles from the initial shock things might seem like the relationship will work, but as time goes on, doubt and wondering what she's up to may eat your relationship alive. Time will tell.

Comments

There is only one way to guarantee it doesn't happen again. Takes a lot of hard work to resolve this, when given the choice people take the easy option in life.

Answer 6

You will most likely accept this situation until you don’t!

One day you will “wake up to the reality” of your relationship.

It may happen spontaneously or over the a period of therapy ie counseling.

You are either a confrontational spouse or not. Often this is determined by your core personality and or your core beliefs.

One day it may seem intolerable. If so you may quickly end it. Much depends on your circumstances, financial etc.

It is not for me to say what “your next move” is.

That’s on you, bruh!