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+2 votes
79 views

Hello, I need some advices about friendships. I made my friends through my school and we had a lot of fun, until when my professors started to dislike me because I did not like my professor’s new employee who has criticized me.

My friends invited me for dinner that they are working with this new friend that she didn’t come this day when I came for their dinner party. After the party, my friend has called me and told me that I should not tell anyone that I went over for their dinner party, even at my school. Another student is working with me at school and he is longer attentive to me.

I have respect for my friends, expect for this toxic employee. They decided to be not on my side and do not want to be my friend anymore. I still have to see them at school.

Honestly, I did not do anything wrong, only did not like this toxic  employee. I am potile and nice to rest of my friends, then I am no longer welcomed.

How can you handle this situation what I am experiencing through?

in Friendship by (1,250 points)

3 Answers

0 votes

Well you haven’t given us much to go on!

For example why do you consider this employee toxic?

Were you discrete in showing your disapproval or did you make a public scene talking about this  employee?

Had you misread how popular or well liked this employee was in that group?

They certainly can include or bar who they want in their group.

Perhaps if you gave us more information regarding your “friends” and this employee we could better advise you on this matter!

by (894,020 points)
0

This employee has criticized my skills and she told other of my coworkers that I am not a good worker. She asked other co-workers not to work with me. Before she got hired with us, my coworkers and I were along great.

Sudden changes when she got on the board with us as she changed our group dynamics. I became a scrap goat.  

I almost forgot to mention that this new employee made a co-worker cried. 

0

Frankly, I'm still confused.  Best I can figure you said the wrong thing about the wrong person.  Continue to be nice and polite but you might be best off seeking out a new circle of friends.

0

I agree with G & B.

Unbeknownst to you, you stepped in it at some point.

This reminds me of a co-worker who spent 5 minutes ripping a new worker to her coworker confidant. Little did she know they were related. The gals were married thus had different last names.

Another time at lunch, a new male coworker was sitting at our lunch table going on a racist rant about Mexicans. Everyone at the table was white. The woman he directed most of his comments to was married to a Mexican. Evidently he didn’t know Sherry’s last name was Martinez. As he made worse and worse racial comments he ended by saying “You know?”

”Yeah” she said as she flipped open about ten joined pictures of her Hispanic children.



+2 votes

I went through a very difficult time when I moved from one city to another and took a new job at a different school.  I was hired in a supervisory position, and when I arrived, the other teachers in the school were upset because none of them were promoted to the position for which I was hired.  As a result, a rumor started that I was a "spy" for management, and I was not trusted.

I learned early in life that we cannot change how people perceive us simply by going up to them and explaining that they do not perceive us correctly.  Just talking will not change anyone's mind.  We cannot try to change people's opinions unless they are willing to change those opinions.  The best way to change their opinions is to simply continue to be yourself, and allow your own actions to be your words.

If you are a friend to others and ignore what they say about you, then you will show them that you are a good person, and they will start to question themselves.  They will ask themselves, "Why do I think poorly of him/her, when what I see is not what I thought I would see?"  

For me, it was the same.  I had to continue to be "me."  I was friendly to all, even to those who treated me badly and spread the rumors.  It took a long time, but eventually my coworkers realized that I was not the person they were told that I was.  We became friends.  

I found this to be true with some of my students as well.  In particular, I remember one girl who seemed to hate me from the very first day of class.  When I would say something that made the other students smile or laugh, she would just roll her eyes and look disgusted.  It was as if she were saying, "THEY might think you're OK, but *I* know better."  I had no idea why she felt this way, but it did not change the way I treated her.  I was friendly to her just as I was to all of my students.  I asked her the same kinds of questions I asked the other students.  I encouraged her to elaborate on her opinions in class, just as I did for all of my students.  After several months of the school year had passed, I saw a change in her.  Her attitude towards me softened, and she actually seemed to  enjoy the class.  Eventually, she was happy in my class and shared her opinions without my having to coax her to speak.  She had changed dramatically.  I had short conferences with my students from time to time in order to help them do better in class, to encourage them, to evaluate their work, and to ask if there were anything I could do to help them to do better.  When I spoke with her, I asked her what had happened for her to have changed her actions so dramatically.  She said, "Before I came to your class, I was told by ______ that you were a phony.  He said you would be all smiles and would talk about encouraging everyone, but he said you were actually a very mean person who never meant what you said."  I asked her, "What happened?  What changed?"  She said, "Well, after a while, I realized that what I saw from you is really who you are, not what _____ had said about you that I believed back then.  So I decided to give you a chance, and now I think you are a good teacher."   

That conversation is one I will treasure all my life.  It is also one that I remember every time I find myself in a situation where someone does not like me, for some reason.  So here is my advice to you: be yourself.  Don't allow other people to shape who you are by their negative words or actions to you.  Continue to be a positive person, have faith that eventually, they will understand that the person who said these bad things about you was wrong.  There is nothing YOU can do to change THEM.  They must change themselves.

Best wishes to you.  

by (899,720 points)
0

I agree! The course of action you took/described is exactly how I live my life too.. Always take the high road I say, chances are nobody's on it, lol. 

0

At one point, a friend asked me, "Why don't you explain it all to them?"  My answer was that it would have zero effect just to tell people I'm not what you think, but my actions don't lie.

0

I agree, explaining would definitely defeat the purpose. Action's don't lie is right.

+2 votes

You can't please all the people all of the time. You can see good examples right here on this website. I suggest at the end of the day you just do what you want and what makes you happy, without worrying about others. I know that's sometimes easier said than done, but it works like a charm.

by (4,256,451 points)
+1

Though Sweetgal's circumstance(s) is different than mine. I finally came to realize, that I couldn't please, or be all things to all people. However, it certainly wasn't from a lack of trying. 

Excellent advice, Blue!

+1

Thanks SandyGirl. I aim to please if I can. I also went a long time thinking the problem was me, when it was not.

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