Cutting toxic relationships out of your life

Question

Have you ever had to cut someone out of your life because of the toxic effect they had on you ?  What made you realize they were toxic and once you had cut them out of your life, what did you do to ensure you didn't get sucked back in ?

I ask because, once again I've realized just how toxic my father has been to me all my life, and today after more of his criticizing... I told him I never want to see him again, I'm going to do the same with my sister due to the same effect she's had on me, but I've done this more than once before and my 'family loyalty' keeps sucking me back in ...

It's a long story but just to give you a few details; for example; I get plenty of criticism from both of them, but never have I gotten a single compliment ("good job" kind of stuff), I'm single and I recently came to terms with the reason I rejected each of the 3 women I was close to marrying, was because deep down, I was (subconsciously) thinking "ohhh I know how those who supposedly 'love me' treat me and so yeah no thanks, I don't need another example of that in my life..."

I happen to know first-hand how wise the Oprah Winfrey quote is "Surround yourself with only people who are going to life you higher."  and it starts with eliminating those who do nothing but bring you down ...

Answer 1

My Dad did an excellent job over-all. My Mother is very negative but has provided financial support. My brother is confrontational and aggressive but has struggled with his own issues in life. I've cut contact to a minimum partly due to my own vulnerabilities. Not something I want to do. Don't know if I could cut them out completely. I've heard it happens a lot in families. My Mom's sisters had a big fallout when my grandparents died.

Comments

My mom and her sisters got into situations where they never spoke to one another. My father never got alone with his two brothers. When my Mom was dying, her sister was three floors above her in the same hospital. They never communicated. Estrangement travels in families.

Answer 2

I moved away from home. Now, If I don't want to answer the phone I don't have to. Re your dilemma, Its tough loving people who are harmful to you. Just remember, you are not alone. Every serial killer in the world came from a family.. lol

Answer 3

Yes, after my mother died my extended family became intrusive about my personal life. I had never opened it up for discussion. So after they staged a sit down in a restaurant and began lecturing me, I decided it was time to end the extended relationships.

My extended family has one over reaching fault and that is lacking boundaries.  The elder sistes,cousins, aunts believe they can criticize, instruct, or BOSS the younger members.

This is a pattern that takes place over years and decades.

Parents often foster and encourage this behavior. If you object the parents protest that the elder family members only wanted what’s best.

It’s one thing when the elders are actually trying to help the younger teenager or college student. But when it proceeds to 3 or 4 decades past it is downright insulting.

The problem generally two fold. The family members not observing boundaries and the victim who has been groomed not to object.

My only recourse was to not associate with them. Once confronted they never offered an apology or a sincere offer to stop interfering.

Comments

That's really weird. We are afraid to confront cousins. Its just not done. Good Luck

Answer 4

I was in a serious relationship with a narcistic woman for several years.  Once we went our separate ways I cut off all communication with her.  That's worked out pretty well, she's tried to suck me back in a couple times but I just ignored her knowing it would just end up bad again.  Probably not as easy with family.

Answer 5

I always felt that when you're an adult, whomever doesn't fit your current trajectory must be cut loose. My cut off game is strong. I fell out with a sibling over the same thing and come to think of it, it has always been a lukewarm relationship between us. They spewed venom against my entire life's accomplishments and my best friends, pretty much saying I'll be a failure no matter what (with much more profanity). The initial beef was over their contradictory actions but once they threatened my life, all the other stuff went out the window. Rather than dance in circles around the same grievances, I cut all communication and can count on one hand the number of times we spoke over the past 2 years..... 3. It shouldn't be like this but it is and my only regret? I didn't do it sooner. I wish the best for them and that they're delivered from their own afflictions but fuck them. Period!

How to not get sucked in.... kill all lines of communication and stand on your principles. Recognize the power within you have over your life and that nobody, regardless of blood relation, will be tolerated speaking or acting in a way which is unacceptable. It hurts but what hurts much more is to willingly subject yourself to the foolishness.

Answer 6

First, I'd like  to say, that I agree with Oprah's quote 100 percent. 

Secondly, YES! Of course, no matter who you are there's always those few people who are, for a lack of other words,  disruptive, over opinionated, and are control freaks. 

I'm happy to reveal  I have NO family issues. However, I've cut ties with two friendships in the past  and one romantic relationship, as well. Jealousy tops the list with all three. Also, always wanting to do me out of something, and the BIG one, the need to control me. It took awhile for these relationships to end because it's my nature to try to make things right and good. Eventually all that unnecessary nonsense made me stop communicating with them. I had no room for it. I had enough, or I would drown. 

I now strike it up as the lack of maturity on their part. They mistook my kindness for weakness. They definitely mistook me for someone in their life who they could manipulate. They stilled tried to force their toxicity on me even after I was done, blowing up my phone. I finally made them fear that a person in my position had enough. I figured why would I want to continue in that misery, and why would they, lol. 

I realized long ago that people will only get away with what you let them. I have always believed in the power of attraction, similar to Oprah's quote. By removing negative things from your life you can make room for more positive things to take their place. It is based on the notion that it is impossible to have a completely empty space in your mind and in your life. Since something will always fill this space, what better than to fill that space with positivity. 

Answer 7

I'm sorry you're going through this with your dad, and your sister. I mentioned here in AO last year that I had similar feelings of frustration with my father, and wanted to get some distance from him or possibly cut him out of my life, and currently I am exercising that distance. I am not talking to him or seeing him, and everyone in the family is aware. Initially there were questions of concern and frustration and people wanting to understand or try to reconcile, but I held firm to what I needed to do for me, and essentially told them they can respect it or leave me alone too. Surprisingly, it's been going okay, but I also think there is an expectation that this is temporary, especially because I haven't explained anything to him really. Honestly, for me, I don't know if it is temporary or not. The odds of me spending time with him only for him to do exactly what you described happened to you just seem so likely that it doesn't seem worth it. Yet, I also feel somewhat pulled in by this 'family loyalty', which really for me is just showing up as fond old memories of good times. If I do decide to re-engage with him, I know I would need to do some thinking for myself on what kind of expectations do I have for the relationship moving forward, what are my boundaries, what can I tolerate and what can't I tolerate. I also would want to communicate with my dad at least some of that, so that he's aware that for me the relationship can't be the same as it used to be, and that it caused me too much pain and frustration, and that if he cares to keep me in his life then it will take work from both of us. But, ugh, I don't know if he's capable, and I just really don't know if I have the energy to do that work with him.

I have cut friends out of my life before, though it has been a while. It's never easy, but it does feel easier than with family and all the family entanglements. I never have felt any sort of regret or remorse for saying goodbye to a friendship when I do finally make that choice to let go. I've never gone back to a friendship that I've ended (except for once in high school but that was a messy, dramatic, toxic friend group peer pressure situation that I ran far away from the moment we graduated). Some - arguably, most - people are not meant to be in your life for your entire life, moments can be treasured just for what they are without needing to be stretched into forever to be meaningful or important. So, I choose to be grateful for the positive things I gained from the friendships, recognize they no longer serve me, and let them go. As Ariana Grande says: Thank U, Next. :)