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0 votes
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The girl with whom my friends with benefits is mad at told him she will text him last week. She didn't and he was boiling with rage. We work at a theatre as bartenders and he was rude and passive aggressive most of the time. This is the girl who he has been on dates with and each time he doesn't reply to her texts, she stops texting him which drives him mad. She does talk to him in person but stops texting. However he keeps talking to her in person no matter how mad he is.


When he met her again, he was mad and even though she came to chat with him, he wasn't listening to her much. She asked him if he was free this week and initially he said he's not, made a bunch of lies and then said he's free on Thursday.


He was still broody and moody with me during sex but she texted him late evening yesterday and he became so happy.


However he didn't reply to her but he was eating outside when he saw her and looked away. When she was about to cross him, he looked at her and started talking to her. He pretended to act like he didn't remember she texted him and he didn't reply but opened doors for her, and then asks her if she's around tomorrow then they can meet. He was also telling her how she shouldn't view problems as problems but should view them as "challenges".


I dont understand. He doesn't like her, he won't reply to her texts so why doesn't he just delete her and forget about her?

in Dating by (24,530 points)

4 Answers

+1 vote

Not much has changed with him and her I see.

by (332,980 points)
0 votes

Very interesting.

Obviously fucking him is not the way to his heart or you would be number one.

Hard to get seems to be the secret.  Too late for you, but it is working for her.  He is fascinated with her.

by (1,610,850 points)
0

Lol then why doesnt he reply to her text?

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He, also, is sometimes playing hard to get.  He doesn't want to seem too anxious.  Hard to tell if it is working for him.  He doesn't need her too much since he can always screw you.

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But he gets mad when she stops texting?

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He wants her to chase him.


0

Why?

0

Trust me on this.  It is great to have a woman chasing you.  


+2 votes

Isabel,

You are asking questions of deeper psychological significance than we can answer outside of guessing. Most of the answers about your fwb lie in his past. By his past I am speaking of his early relationships with women from his mother and even his first love. Sometimes trauma in these relationships can affect men’s actions later in life.

Your fwb seems to have an obsession- hate- (or ambivalent) relationship with the girl. All the why, why, why’s you ask most likely can only be completely discovered through deep talk therapy and perhaps regression hypnotism to uncover the real mystery of his actions towards women.

In a nutshell it seems he doesn’t know how to love, be intimate or be committed. Perhaps a prior trauma makes him avoid these feelings at all costs? Since you and he apparently do not have long intimate talks about feelings, life etc, it is likely you will never know and simply be a pawn in his life’s drama.

The girl isn’t following his expectations. She is nice but not sexually available. She keeps him at an arms length sexually. This utterly fascinated him. She seemingly is manipulating the Manipulator! Why does she bother? Well another paradox of human psychology! 

You could spend your entire life in this toxic relationship and never have any more answers than you do now. We not being a fly on the wall during a hypothetical psychological counseling session can only guess based on what you tell us which is obvious superficial.

She definitely seems to not be interested in being his beck and call girl. She approaches him from a position of control,self confidence and not total submission. She is not likely to allow herself to be totally used by him. He finds that  interesting to say the least.

As far as his disdain/ hate for her. When he doesn’t get what he wants , when he wants it he is the upset immature boy child. More questions, I am sure, but not being psychologists, we can only guess. You have experienced some of this when he doesn’t reply to your text for a period of time. He is unstable, and runs the gamut in emotions.

The “why” of why doesn’t he tell her about him and you seems obvious. He doesn’t want to blow any chances with her! The “why” of why doesn’t he respond to her text, is a very immature petulant reaction to her disappointing him. He seems to expect women all women to be subordinate to him, when that doesn’t follow through he is temporarily peeved. That is until he sees her in person. Then his lust seems to take over. He mostly likely isn’t a happy camper most of the time. This must not upset you all that much him being “moody” as you proceed to have sex with him.

This cycle repeats with him over and over and is quite predictable. 

The question being will he ever tell her to f- off? Will you ever tell him to f-off. So far the answer is no. If I am right we can expect this story to be the same throughout 2022 and 2023.

by (918,020 points)
+1

Informative and helpful. But does he like her in any way possible????

+2

Excellent answer, lady4u!

0

Isabel, no one would expend this much time and energy into someone they don't like, even if their behavior shows they might at times dislike them. The emotional volatility in and of itself continuing on says enough that he likes her enough to keep interacting with her, no matter the quality of the interactions.

+2

He doesn’t find her a problem. Remember he told her not to look at problems as problems, but rather as a challenge! Rather positive outlook one might say. Consequently he views her possibly as a challenge rather than a problem. Sexually she would be a conquest perhaps?

He “likes” immediate sexual gratification, thus his multiple fwb s. However there  isn’t a lot of deeper gratification. He simply doesn’t have the capacity to establish a committed relationship it seems. So like a dog chasing his tail, around and around he goes, leaving you constantly perplexed by the situation. 

He is in a quandary. If he does eventually get her(sexually) it is possible he will not value her more than any other fwb. He seems to have a Madonna - whore complex. He believes all women are whores, and when they spread their legs for him it confirms his twisted view of women.

If however they are aloof and chaste, his mind cannot compute. He is shocked and obsessed while petulant that she doesn’t succumb to his advances and wants!

Obsession is neither love or like necessarily.

Well that’s my take anyway.

+1

Excellent differentiation and elaboration, Lady. I definitely used the term "like" quite loosely here, but your details are much more accurate. He 'likes' her, but not in the way that we may refer to most people liking something or someone. Or another way of putting it, he is 'attracted' to her, but not at all in a healthy or likely fulfilling way.

0

Does he have mommy issuss?

0

The girl i ve seen is very weird. She is always going to him to talk even though she notices him looking at her boobs/legs. She also touches/caresses him on his arm/shoulder. She seems rather comfortable with him and for some reason their relationship looks very natural. I dont understand how because he doesnt open to her but the way they talk and act with each other, it feels very coordinated. 

Hes not so coordinated with me or other women. Like i saw them yesterday snd he got out of the elevator and she was still inside and he looked back and was like come on and she followed him. Then he held the door open for her and she told him twice to go first but he didnt and asked her to go first.

It all seemed very couply type for 2 people who havent even kissed/had sex

0

It’s hard to tell without us knowing him. But he seeming can’t have”normal” committed relationships with women. 

She evidently enjoys toying with him. I imagine they are both a novelty to each other hence the “attraction”

She is no weirder than you tolerating intolerable behavior from a man you give your body to, if you don’t mind me saying so!

She is the opposite of you. Good self esteem where your’s is poor. She is confident where you are not. If she is competitive with other women he may be seeing, she is taking the “high ground”

Since you don’t evidently talk to him about his past or present you may never know “what his issues are”

Perhaps if you asked to meet his family you could judge for yourself?

0

What about their interactions?


She has said she likes him but cannot chase him 

0

I know when he was 19 he met a girl who seemed obsessed with him. I think he liked her too and it seemed like they were in contact until 2018/2019 and then something happened.


0

They are mirrored images of each other. He won’t chase her. She won’t chase him.

Big deal if she touches his back. Some people are just more tactile than others.

Different strokes for different folks, so they say,

I think you’ll drive yourself mad trying to analyze these two. 

I know when I was younger I had turned down a couple guys who wanted to go out with me. I thought it wasn’t a big deal. Plenty of fish in the sea, right? Well they took it poorly and evidently wondered why I chose another man other than them. Unbeknownst to me they wondered and wondered what the deal was with the other guy to the point they asked one of my friends for their take.

The answer was we had more in common and were extremely attracted to each other. Wasn’t anything “wrong” with the other dudes, we just had less in common. In other words we felt natural with each other. Attraction is chemistry, I think it’s difficult to define.

0

Sp why does het frustrated then when he wont chase and knows she wont? He should forget abiut her?

0

Well, look who is talking about frustration. Why don’t you leave him? Eh?

He is obsessed with her!

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting a different outcome!

Seems like that definition could apply to all 3 of you?

0

Whay kind of obsession is this whrre he doesnt reply doesnt meet her etc??

At least we text, meet

0

However ever since shes texted him, hes now looking happy and chill. He didnt reply to her and they didnt meet up but now hes acting so cool and chill with her. Looking gleeful and happy.

0

He’s not mentally stable! No further discussion of why he this or that’s. He’s damaged material. He’s conflicted and messed up. 

So you choose to run around in mental circles because he is? That doesn’t help your mental health outlook.

Do you expect him to eventually forget about her? But he doesn’t seem to want to, otherwise he would tell her to f-off or recoil if she touches him! Not happening. He motioning her to go through a door he opened. You are meanwhile trying to notice everything about where they are and what they are doing. And still nothing changes. 

Because he doesn’t want it to change.

Evidently you are a fwb so naturally when he needs sex he texts and meets with you!

He is obsessed with her. Obsession is not logical. It is emotional. You are trying to apply your logic to a non-logical situation.  Comparisons will get you nowhere in understanding his psychological profile.

Unless you get him drunk and he blurts out why he does what he does, you will never know for sure.

0

But like i said hes now acting happy after the text. She didnt text him again, he didnt reply and he was telling her how beautiful sunny day it is (she hates sunny day). Hes not mad like he used to. That clearly means hes done with her?

0

No, to the contrary, she texted him. He feels that is being subordinate and to him. He may think she will eventually give in to him. He believed he could wear her down. If he was done with her he would tell her. Easy Peasy.

So why are you so interested in her specifically? You admit he has other hook ups (fwbs) Why are you not focused on them too?

Doesn’t seem like he plans on being yours and yours alone.

Even if he was ever done with her, there would always be possibly another girl he was obsessed with. 

It’s his MO by now!

0

Ok so this gurl told him shes considering leaving the country forever because she cant find a place to stay and when he heard that, he fell silent and stared at her for a while before saying you can find a place, to stay positive and he ll look around as well etc. But he looked a bit shocked. What does this mean?

0

That means he’s not done with her! 

0

Why??? Now he knows she might leave so he will lose interest?

0

Initially she said shes thinking of  leaving and he thought she was going away for a few weeks and was like oh ok

 Then she said shes thinking of leaving forever and he stared at her and didnt sau anything fir a few secs

0

So, he is still interacting with her, so he’s not done. 

What will you do if he moves her in with him? Or leaves with her?

0

Hes not going to leave with her because hes german and shes indian. And hes a citizen here while she isnt.


Why will he move her in with him? Hes telling her to look on sites, facebook etc . He didnt say move in?

0

Perhaps to keep her from leaving. Perhaps long enough for her to find a place of her own. 

Why does he do anything logical? Answer is he doesn’t!

0

But wont he lose feelings or interest thinking she might leave??

0

It may not. Just the opposite. He may get in a bit of a dither thinking his obsession is going away.

You still don’t understand obsession.

She is sort of a fantasy. He enjoys fantasizing about her. That’s why he may spend an inordinate amount of time looking for her a place to stay as he suggested to her so that she doesn’t go away!

Should I just agree with you to make you feel better?


0 votes

Is this ANY of your business?  No.  Leave her alone.  You aren't having sex with HER.

You are having sex with him, but only as a FWB, you say.  So leave HIM alone except for the times you want to mutually stimulate your glands.  

Just... stop.

by (906,480 points)
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